Thursday, April 28, 2016

to everything there is a season

Y'all are amazing. Really truly. 

I'm not going to shoot myself, I promise. If I did, my mother would throw my cats into the first kill-shleter she could find, and I cannot live (or die) knowing that would happen to Harleyquinn and Poison Ivy. They're my babies and I live for them. 

Stepmom is coming with me on Sunday to check out the apartment again. She's one of the fussiest people I know when it comes to living spaces, so I figure I will get the most critical unbiased opinion from her. Despite many issues I have had with Stepmom in the past, she has been one of my biggest sources of support in recent months, so I trust her opinion. 

The commute time from this apartment to work does not bother me in the slightest. Driving is one of my favourite things ever. And I did the hour+ commute for a year when I lived in the last apartment. It never bothered me. On the contrary, I actually enjoyed the long drive. It's a scenic drive, and I get at least two hours a day to blast my music. 

I can keep up a search for a job nearer the apartment and if I find a good one, I'll take it. To be honest, I'd rather drive an hour+ both ways to my job than continue living in Bergen County. I'd rather live closer to my closest family and friends than live closer to my job. 

I just worry about making the wrong decision. My life has been one wrong decision after another. I don't want to add to the pile. 

So for now I'm just trying to breathe. To not sink into despair. 

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under Heaven. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

This is me just thinking out loud. feel free to skip it. 

I saw the apartment yesterday, instead of Sunday, because I wanted to see how long it would take me to get there if I left straight from work. I hit more than the usual traffic, and got there in about an hour and 20 minutes. 

I drove back to the office afterwards, to test the distance going a slightly different route. An hour and eight minutes. 

I am totally ok with that, but I have to factor in the 120 miles of driving every day, at least as far as fuel costs (I'm estimating $90 per month, a 'month' being 4 weeks) and car maintenance, which will need to be done more often than it is now. 

I really liked the apartment. A little small, but then again the lady living in it now has so much stuff everywhere it probably looked smaller than it is. Her son just moved in with her and so she is moving into the larger apartment next to it, because she does not want to leave the building. She's been there for 3 years. 

The landlord was really nice. He said he's the type who fixes problems immediately, and the tenant in the apartment I looked at confirmed this to be true. (And I'm also going to presume it is because she wants to keep living in the building.)

I am in love with the location of the apartment. It is 20 minutes from everything, surrounded by rolling green hills and farmland. Like holy crap is that drive gorgeous. 

So factoring in rent, utilities (heat and elec. on the same bill, the tenant and landlord both said separately that it averaged out at $90/month, which means I will probably end up with a lower bill, but I used $90 for my spreadsheet anyway), travelling costs, and all my other expenses (cat food, car insurance, cell phone, internet, music lessons, hair bleaching, car payment, loan payment, psychiatrist, and crazy pills), I'll be left with about $170 per week for food and other household stuffs. 

I can do that. It won't be easy, and I'll probably have to cut back on a lot of luxuries, but I can do it. 

But I'm not sure if I should. 

I've been getting a pretty strong message from above that I should stay put. It's frustrating. It's infuriating. It's killing me slowly, but I'm still trying to listen. God's not subtle when I try to ignore Him. Seriously. Mold, bugs, pestilence, car-totaling accident, major hassles where there should have been none. 

But how the heck do I know when I should stop staying put? The last apartment I looked at was easy--the landlord decided to accept another tenant. And I had prayed that if that apartment was not the right choice, then please Lord don't give me a choice and let them give the apartment to someone else. 

With this apartment, I'm pretty sure I'll get it if I call the landlord back and say I want it. 

I don't know. What I do know is that I have been unraveling--slowly at first and now faster. I'm drinking too much. I'm crying myself to sleep most nights. I'm not really eating anything unless I have to (i.e., in front of people). I'm self-harming again, and far too often. Each week life gets harder and I get worse, and most days I have to really struggle to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I hate living here with my mother and I don't know how much longer I can take it before I put a bullet in my head. 

But I don't know if this is the time to leave, or if this is the home I should be moving into. 

Friday, April 22, 2016

Clutch it like a cornerstone, otherwise it all comes down.

I did not get the apartment. I'm seeing another one this Sunday in Unionville, which is one of my dream spots, so I'm going to presume I won't get this one either.

In other news, I have quit quitting smoking.

To quote Bridget Jones's father, I take great comfort in the fact that they might kill me before things actually get worse.


now that they want me singing regularly at church, I'm thinking about quitting smoking again.

Mumsy was out last night, so I took the opportunity to practice Sunday's songs (mostly because they're all permanently stuck in my head now). After nearly an hour of belting out Christian songs, I discovered that Mumsy had left all of the windows open. My neighbours have been thoroughly evangelized.

I've been in a weird mood this week. 

Art production has slowed, but still plodding along. I have a list of everyone who has requested art, so I shan't forget any of you.

In general I think I'm just..... tired.

An update later this weekend maybe. Now I have to go help Bossman load several hundred thousand dollars worth of [probably stolen] artwork into a Russian mobster's car.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

The devil's in the details, and your reverend's into retail.

I had something of a hectic weekend, although in a good way.

Friday, Mum and me and Lil Sis went to dinner at place I vowed I would never visit again. But you know, free food.

Saturday night, M., C., and both Lil Bros and I drove an hour down to Roxy & Dukes to see The Legendary Shack Shakers, where I somehow managed to take 1,874 photos. It will probably take me the next decade to go through them all.

I did manage to get the video up. While taking that video, I was sitting right beside a speaker, and as a result I still cannot hear properly out of my right ear.

I also managed to make a colossal fool of myself, for a change*.

After the Shack Shakers finished, I bought a shirt at the merch table and inquired unto the bass player, where the heck is J.D.?

He said J.D.'s in the back, in that little private room behind the bar. I said I didn't want to disturb him. Bassist said just go for it and disturb him.

So your drunken narrator went barging into the private band space

I added the door for dramatic effect. There wasn't actually a door.
(I probably resembled the Joker from that scene in the hospital where he visits Harvey Dent.)

and I proceeded to bother poor J.D. with..... I don't even remember.

Lil Bro#2 insisted I was only gone for like 5 or 10 minutes, so hopefully said harassment of J.D. was minimal.

We got home at about 3:00 AM.

I got up at 9:00 AM Sunday and arrived only ten minutes late to see the apartment.


It's amaaaaaaaaaazing.

The bedroom is kind of tiny, but holy crap is the kitchen huge. Living room is huge too. Plus it's in a location I absolutely adore. I put in an application, so fingers crossed I'll get it.

Also on Sunday, the Lil Bros and I completed another 1,500 piece puzzle.

In other news...

My orchid wasn't sick. Turns out the flowers just have spots.

I completed some more art.

Window Number One

Mushroom Cottage

As I have now had a few requests for art, would any of y'all like a picture? I don't claim to be incredibly talented, but I do enjoy coluring, and I'd be glad to give some pieces away for free. 

Just imagine, one day I'll be a famous author/musician/artist and eventually overdose on something, and after that you can tell people LOOK AT THAT, IT'S A MICH ORIGINAL AND IT'S MINE.


Wednesday, April 6, 2016

you locked me in the cellar and fed me PINS !!

A couple readers (and I shall forever be perplexed by this) continue to check in on me when I don't post for a while, so I shall bestow upon y'all a general update.

The amazingly talented Tempest has sent me two little dragons, and a tiny rainbow spekkoek.

I put them on my desk at work. 

She traded the dragons for a Tiny Kingdom, which was well received by more tiny dragons.

photo stolen from Tempest
This is the 3rd tiny kingdom, and possible the best one yet.

In other news....

My good friend recently received a shipment of homeless kittens and their momma.

I'd had plans for Saturday evening. Naturally, all of them were derailed because kittens.

Lord Byron, the only one who isn't all black.
Momma is still adjusting and can be a bit growly, but so far she and all 4 kittens are doing well. 

Saturday, I get to go see The Legendary Shack Shakers. I am SUPER EXCITED. Their last album, The Southern Surreal, was hands down the best music released last year. 

Sunday I go see an apartment. Fingers crossed it's The One. 

Friday, April 1, 2016

A is for Abraham

(A is also for the only post I actually managed to finish, so this will probably be the only A-Z Challenge for 2016...)

Most of you probably know the story of Abraham and Isaac. (If not, brief summary: God promised Abraham he'd be the father of his peoples, but Abraham had no kids. But then MIRACLE, even though Abe and his wife Sarah are like 100 years old, Sarah has a son and they call him Isaac.

Some years letter, to test Abraham's faith, God tells Abe to offer his son Isaac as a sacrifice. So Abraham sets off on a camping trip with his son and when they get to the campsite, he prepares to murder Isaac and offer him as a sacrifice to God. Thankfully, God sends an angel to stop him at the last minute and congratulate him on his faithfulness.

I always wonder about their trip back home.

It must have been kind of awkward....

Have a good weekend, y'all!