Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Mike! I found the chocolate pudding!!

Last week., Bosslady was away in Europe. So naturally, Bossman and I reverted to childish behaviour for the entirety of the week. We gorged ourselves on all the gift baskets we received, played with the office toys, and did not put together the new table.

(emailed to Bosslady when she got back.)

I cleaned out Bossman's mailbox and found an unused $100 gift card from Urban Outfitters. Normally I would never buy anything from them, but hey free money. I got Ziggy Stardust on vinyl and a nice landscape curtain to hang over the bedroom closet.

We had quite a nice Christmas this year. The usual crowd--Mumsy, myself, and Lil Sis, plus Big Sis#2 with Niecey G and Useless-in-Law, the Jewish Orphans, and M. There was a highly entertaining moment in which Useless-in-Law turned off the stupid Christmas movies so he could watch Nascar, and he was promptly disciplined by Mum, who put the Christmassy stuff back on.*

From Santa, Mich received some records, a storage box for said records, a remote controlled BB-8, a Gryffindor bathrobe,** and a cheapie left-handed violin.***

Mum had the best Christmas yet, I think. She got a giant television for her bedroom, a bunch of classic country CD's, a painting of the view from my grandmother's bedroom window (painted by me), and tickets to see Kris Kristofferson at the end of January.

Harleyquinn escaped and climbed the fake tree.

(I brought them along for the couple days at Mum's****, but because Simple Cat and Daisy do not get along, my cats had to be shut in downstairs.)

The day after Christmas, Daisy knocked over the giant bouquet of roses we had on the table, soaking two of the dining room chairs. She also ate a good number of rose petals and immediately vomited them up beside the tipped over flowers.

Daisy loves bingeing and purging flowers. And plants in general. She once binged and purged an entire bonsai tree.

I will probably be eating leftover turkey for the next month. It turned out fantastic, as I cooked it upside-down, which is the only way to roast a turkey.

Y'all do anything exciting over the holidays?

*We love our stupid Christmas movies.

**It is beyond fantastic.

***I'm sure my neighbours will be thrilled by this.

****Simple Cat hOwLeD for literally all of the hour+ car ride.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

My drive to work this morning:

That haze is not fog, it is actually so much snow I could barely see the car in front of me.

Yes, I was using my phone whilst driving. But I am always sure to make certain there are no cars beside or behind me so that if I should hit a deer, I won't ruin anyone else's day.*

I do not understand the weather.

My new license plates finally arrived.

I'll let y'all work that one out yourselves.

The Simple Cat has discovered that heat comes out of the vent above the stove when the oven is on.

It is now her favourite sleeping spot. 

^I posted that picture in a facebook group (of which I am no longer a member) for crazy cat ladies and was more or less crucified for it. It's so upsetting!! How could I do that to my cat?!?! 

Yes, I am that freaking stupid that I would allow my cat to get burned. 

I f**king hate everyone seriously

This coming Sunday is Ugly Sweater Day at church. I have sacrificed my own sweater, which is the ugliest sweater in creation, for Lil Bro#2 to wear. 

He has actually been wearing it out in public and it is now his favourite article of clothing.

Earlier this week, Lil Bro#2 reviewed Fatal Attraction.

Christmas is rapidly approaching and I don't even care. I decorated Mum's house and put up her tree, threw some fairy lights around the apartment, and decorated the office, but I'm just not feeling it.

The office dog even got decorated.

Listen to this band, they are phenomenal:

*At this point, I am fairly certain that I am unkillable. After 3 attempts, one unintentional overdose, thousands of accumulated prayers for death, and countless accidents that would have given the Lord ample opportunity to kill me, I somehow remain alive. 

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Comfort Films

I stole this from Wandering Through the Shelves because I love this week's theme.

Comfort Films. 

I have lots of comfort films--movies I could watch over and over and over and over without ever getting tired of them. Some are just general comfort films, and some are watched for specific reasons. I'll start with the general all-purpose comfort films.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

I LOVE Star Wars*. And this episode is definitely my fav, followed closely by A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back (I tend to get bored halfway through Return of the Jedi; The Phantom Menace is ok I guess; The Clone Wars is a f**king mess; and the first half of Revenge of the Sith is garbage, but the second half is alright I guess).

We recently ordered a voice-controlled BB8 for the office. Videos shall be posted forthwith. BB8 is the best in the world ever.

impulsive purchases from M.'s birthday trip to Walmart

......anyway, moving on...


Everything about this movie is perfect.

The Princess Bride

I can actually recite this entire movie from start to finish.

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

All the Coen Brothers films are amazing (except Burn After Reading, which is trash), but this one is my fav.

Now some comfort movies for specific occasions:

Christmas - Harry Potter Number 1

I'm not sure when or why this became our family's Christmas movie, but for some years now we always watch it after Christmas dinner.

Sick Days

If I am super duper sick and bed-ridden (which does not occur often), I am probably watching one of two films.

She Devil
 (if you've never seen this, you need to immediately)


Death Becomes Her

Worth watching for Isabella Rossellini alone.

What about the rest of y'all? What are your comfort movies?

*For some reason, most people are extremely surprised by this.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Being part of a family means committing forgery for the ones you love.

 Emails and facebook messages with regard to my wellbeing are starting to pile up, so I figured I'd try to post something....

I had a nice week away in the beginning of the month staying with Tempest, who is beyond lovely. We did one of those Escape the Room things (twice--success in the art gallery heist, near success at the bank robbery), and wore period costumes on both Halloween and two days later for trivia night at the local brewery.

We ended up skipping trivia and playing Nintendo instead. We all mostly failed at Super Mario on NES, and then we broke Mortal Kombat on the Sega Genesis. 


I made friends with Tempest's cat, Pippin.

 I love him. He cuddled with me nearly every night I was there. (Presumably because the Simple Cat has trained me to keep up the petting and scratching even after I've fallen asleep.)

We also did lots of walking at various parks, as I successfully got Tempest into geocaching. I got super excited at one park when we saw a red squirrel,

and then we found a praying mantis.

 I moved him from the danger of the parking lot to the safety of the trees. Hopefully he did not wander back into the parking lot.

I made some clay thingies

Simple Cat/Ivy and Harley

self portrait
but they are nowhere hear as amazing as Tempest's creations.

I returned from my road trip on Saturday, Vienn Peridot in tow. Peri made friends with both cats immediately. I was amazed, as Simple Cat NEVER comes out of hiding when new people come over. Ivy loved Peri, and she spent most of Monday evening and Tuesday looking for her after she left.

I took Peri to Smokey's for dinner for her birthday. On Sunday we wandered the farmer's market with Lil Bro2 (and of course visited the Pesto Man), went to A.C. Moore and Michaels to spend far too much money on art supplies,* and then headed over to Dadum's for dinner, as Stepmom had cooked a nice chicken and rice dish in honor of the foreign visitor. After dinner, we all watched Babe and I totally forgot that Elrond did the voice of the sheepdog.

The following Tuesday night, we as a nation somehow elected Donald Trump as the next president. I did not get to vote, as Bossman made me stay at the office until after 6.00 PM, and then I had to go get groceries and petrol and visit the bank, and after sitting in like 2 hours of traffic on the way home, I was so aggravated and tired I really didn't feel like waiting around in the cold when it was so late I might not even have made it to the front of the line at the voting place (which would have been another 45 minutes in the car from my house).

Honestly though I had no idea who I planned on voting for. I had actually considered just flipping a coin because I don't even give a f**k anymore. I've had enough of the lesser-of-two-evils elections. I've lost all patience with the circus that is the United States government.

Last Friday, I made an appearance at my friend's daughter's 13th birthday party. Emma (the daughter) is a treasure., and possibly the only real fan of my books. I made her a art for her birfday.

I think it might be the best mushroom cottage yet.

I also hauled ass outta there after only an hour because small house filled with a large group of squealing shrieking 12 and 13 year old girls = HARD NO.

In other news..........

The week-long road trip was a wonderful distraction, but once I settled back into normal life, all the ick came right back. Emotional turmoil, extreme depression, general despair and hopelessness. The Doc has upped my meds, but I know that more antidepressants and mood stabilizers and sedatives will not fix the real problem. I do not know how to fix the real problem, so I've fallen back on unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I do not eat anything more than the cream in my coffee and a spoonful of peanut butter or a leftover piece of chicken, except for when I have to eat in front of people. This has actually been a pattern for some time, though I have not blogged about it because I had done so well with recovery and to slip back into the eating disorder seems like such a colossal failure I couldn't bring myself to admit it.

It came to a head a few days ago, when one of my friends posted an old photo on facebook, and then sent me a recent one of us hanging out.

I hate photos of me. I hate my reflection. I tend to avoid mirrors except when doing my makeup, so seeing photos of me is generally never a pleasant experience, but I can ignore them, brush it off, and move on.

Except the other day, when I saw M's recent photo of us, I kind of lost it. I feel huge. Unbearably huge.

Last night, I had an extremely vivid dream in which I got struck by lightning and died. It wasn't a quick death, but I was unbothered by the pain and the shock and instead my thoughts were more like FINALLY. When I woke up, I was so disappointed it took me like ten minutes to drag myself out of bed.

It's like Hyperbole and a Half put it in her post about depression--I don't necessarily want to kill myself, I just don't want to be alive anymore. If I didn't have the cats, things might be different, but for the moment I cannot bring myself to abandon them.

*Everyone is getting art for Christmas now because I'm poor.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

giorni dispari

Ruby's recent posts have had me thinking a lot about my horseback riding days. Today, I found out that one of my favourite horses from my riding school--Queenie--has ridden on to the great pasture in the sky. She was quite old, 30-something, but the news still made me sad.

Queenie was an average-size horse, all chestnut brown. She was the most uncomfortable horse I have ever ridden, but she was also lovely as far as temperament. Most of the time, I felt like all I had to do was think about what I wanted her to do next and she did it perfectly.

I miss riding, but unfortunately it is an extremely expensive hobby. I started riding at age 2 with Anorexic Auntie, and started lessons at age 3. Once upon a time, I had wild aspirations of riding for Ireland in the Olympics (I really wanted the green riding jacket), but that died away as I headed into my teens and got bored of riding round in circles jumping over sticks. I really wanted to ride into battle, or failing that, learn how to joust.

Horses are the most likely reason for the vertigo, according to my old doctor. Riding that much for that many years, you lose count of how many times you fall off or get thrown off. I had one horse (ironically, named Mephistopheles) who threw me into a triple bar and then five minutes later hurled me off his back with such force that I was knocked out cold upon landing. This is the reason we make sure to wear the funny-looking helmets. This is also the reason Mumsy would not stay and watch my lessons.

By the end of high school I had given up lessons and instead rode for free, exercising the privately-owned horses whose owners didn't have time to ride every day. The retired racehorses were the best. They were completely mental and wouldn't listen to any commands at all, but boy could they move.

We used to have two retired racehorses at my late stepfather's farm. "Un-rideable," I was told. (Guess who frequently got in trouble for riding them?)

I have a soft spot for wild/insane horses. Perhaps because I understand their frustration.

Locked in a cage and left with a mind that remembers a time when they would have run free in open wilderness--a thing they never actually experienced and never will.

So here's to Queenie, who finally gets to run free.

Friday, September 23, 2016

some new album reviews.......

This post is me talking to hear (read?) myself talk, because 99% of you probably do not give a crap about any of the bands I'm about to blather on about. 

This month, three of my favourite bands of all time released new albums. I cannot remember the last time this happened (probably not since early high school), as the vast majority of the bands I listen to have long since disbanded.*

The Commandments According to SCAC

by Slim Cessna's Auto Club

Not gonna lie, I was super disappointed by this album. But not surprised, because I have noticed a pattern. Ever since Rebecca Vera got more heavily involved with them, their music has suffered. And not just SCAC. Their side project, Denver Broncos UK is definitely not something I would listen to again, and Munly's last solo album was a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge disappointment considering how amazing the previous albums were (.....if a bit ok fine a lot strange). 

The members of SCAC have always made some strange music, but it was good strange. This album just sounds weird and disjointed, and not in a good way. I will still love them unconditionally, but I don't think I'll be rushing out to get this on vinyl. 


by The Handsome Family

This is classic Handsome Family, which is nice because their last couple albums were sort of a big departure from their usual sound. Lots of good melodies and wonderful storytelling.

I am currently using all of my willpower to restrain myself from buying the record because I'm going to see them next Friday and I'd rather buy the record directly off of Rennie and Brett and have them sign it. 

and finally.....

Star Treatment

by Wovenhand.

Holy sh*t. 

I don't know how the heck he does it. David Eugene Edwards has been consistently producing amazing music since the very early 90's and has once again blown me away. I don't even know how to describe the music on this album. It's like a crazy mix of metal/folk/blues/punk/David Bowie. "The Hired Hand" (which I've posted previously) is still my favourite track, but the other songs are all just as good. 

So go buy it. 

Have a good weekend, y'all!

*Pun intended.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

When I asked you to build me a wall I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile you might have found time to cement them together... you know, one on top of another, in the traditional fashion.

I need one of those interlock things attached to my computer because

.......it's for Halloween.*

How such things went out of fashion I'll never know. Yes I realize they are somewhat complicated to assemble and a bit suffocating and bodily movement is very limited while wearing it, BUT IT'S SO PURRTY.

I dropped my upright bass on my foot this week.

Owning that instrument is fraught with dangers. Just moving it from one room to another poses significant risks to my physical health.

One time I had a dream that I could fly around on it, like a witch's broom.


My Day of Oldering** fast approaches, and already Mumsy and Lil Sis are stressing me out by trying to make a fuss.

I hate fuss. Every year is exactly the same--I insist I want no fuss, no party, nothing extravagant whatsoever, maybe just dinner out somewhere quiet and inexpensive and that's it.

So far, TWO dinners out are planned (one at an absurdly expensive steak house), and Mummers has been calling and texting non-stop demanding I send her a wish list for presents.

I don't want to seem ungrateful. Quite the opposite. I am very grateful that I'm getting two nice dinners and that I have a mother who wants to get me lots of presents. But I hate that she's spending so much money. I feel guilty.

So instead I tried to come up with a few things that I actually need, like these super sweet boots:

(I need another pair of boots to wear to work.)

and a used laptop with Windows (I need a computer with Windows*** to do freelancing transcription work to make some extra $$).

Mumsy responded to this with, "FINE I'll just give you money then!"


Adventure to Weyerbacher should be [hopefully] happening this weekend. I am super excited.

*I shall use Halloween as an excuse to wear it out in public. I really just love period costumes and will probably keep buying more until the day I die.

**I stole that word from Tempest.

***I would never normally endorse the use of Microsoft Windows.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Give up your dead.

This week has been fairly insane. I have never been so excited to sit home and do absolutely nothing.

Monday night, shortly after arriving home, the fire department arrived outside our building. Lady next door had a burst pipe or something in her kitchen, which flooded her apartment, the migrant farmers' apartment below her, and the basement dwellers' apartment. Praise be to God, my apartment was totally undamaged.

But they had to cut the power so as to avoid potential electrical fires. And because the landlord and not the fire department cut the power, the electric company informed us we would need an Official Okay from an electrician and the Official Okay from the town building inspector before they would turn the power back on.

So Tuesday morning, I sent Drummerboy to the apartment (he's an electrician), and we had the power back on by Tuesday evening.

Also Tuesday evening, I met one of the New Zealand cousins and his wife, who were staying at Dad's house for a couple of days. His wife is originally from Alabama, and her hybrid Southern Belle/New Zealand accent is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Wednesday I ended up spending nearly two hours with Guitar Teacher because we spent almost an hour in deep discussion over The Silmarillion before actually starting a bass guitar lesson.*

On Thursday, I took the day off work to spend with my aunts. We had a nice lunch, but then did nothing for the afternoon because it was too bloody hot out. Dinner brought on some drama with Lil Sis, who was extremely upset by the fact that we would not sit around waiting for her to get home from NYC before going to dinner. We had her meet us at the restaurant, so that I could head home before it got too late, since it takes me an hour+ to get home from there. But apparently this was unbelievably selfish of me.**

Tonight I am sitting home doing feck all. And it is wonderful.

Wovenhand's new album is out. Here is my favourite track:


Tomorrow I have been invited to a party thrown by one of The Misfits. I'm tempted to bail because I'm le tired, but I feel like I'll regret that....

*That problem is not going anywhere fast. 

**It is perfectly fine if everyone else is inconvenienced, but Lil Sis must never be inconvenienced ever because that is Not Fair.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Yeah, that’s right! You better run! She’s our friend and she’s crazy!

As much as I adore my new apartment, there is still one drawback to living in an apartment building (aside from no dishwasher and not washing machine).


For the most part, I've lucked out with the neighbours here. (Remember the neighbours we had in Philly?) The lady next door is very pleasant, though I've only seen her twice since moving in. I have yet to see her son, or the other person who moved in a couple weeks ago (I'm assuming either her daughter or her son's girlfriend...).

The landlord's daughter and her boyfriend live in the apartment below mine. I've run into her maybe two or three times. She is also very nice.

Next to her, there is a family of migrant farmers (parents and two kids). I see them the most, and they're probably the friendliest out of everyone. My only issue with them is that every once in a while, the family across the street comes over so all the kids can play together, and for some reason they feel like it's a good idea to have all the kids play in the driveway. A driveway in which six cars are frequently coming and going.

Then there's the people in the basement.

I hate people. I hate small talk. I hate being forced to interact with people on a small-talk level, but I'll do it when the situation calls for it.

For example, if you happen to pass your neighbours in the shared driveway, it's not a lot to ask to give them a pleasant "good morning" or least a "hi."

Because the basement-dwellers allow me to use their rubbish bins free of charge (otherwise I'd have had to pay $20/month for my own), I thought they must be relatively nice people. I offered to split the $20/month, but they said no. That's very nice of them.

But every time I pass one of them and try for the friendly "good morning" or "hi" or what have you, I get Side-Eye-Chloeied.

If Mr. Basement-Dweller is out on his own, I might get a grunt or a muttered "hi" back. If it's both Mr. and Mrs. Basement-Dweller, I get Side-Eye-Chloeied all the way to the front door.

Mrs. Basement-Dweller seems to have a particular hatred for me. At first I thought I was just paranoid, but I've seen her chatting all friendly-like with Mrs. Migrant Farmer and the people across the street while their kids play together, and chatting with the dude across the street who handles most of the maintenance in our building, so she obviously doesn't hate everyone. I've tried really hard to be nice to her, but I feel like every time I do something like compliment her bumper stickers (because in fairness, she has some hilarious bumper stickers), she just gives me dirtier looks than she did before.

But enough about that.

Let's talk about her f**king minivan.

As per everyone's lease, each apartment gets one of the five parking spaces (5 apartments = 5 parking spaces). It's a b*tch backing out of my parking space if Mr. Basement-Dweller's car is in the driveway parked next to mine, but it can be done with a 5-point turn. The reason being that the stupid unnecessary handrails leading down to the basement apartment stick out into the driveway in the most awkward spot ever, and you have to do a 5+ point turn avoid hitting them and knocking them over (Mr. Basement-Dweller and I have both destroyed the railings, more than once).

Everyone else who lives in the building but doesn't get a parking space parks on the street right outside the building. There are only like 20 people living in the whole village, so it's not exactly hard to find a space right outside our building. All the other tenants manage it without a problem.

Except for Mrs. Basement-Dweller.

More often than not, she parks in the driveway.

Here's how the driveway is set up:

And here's where Mrs. Basement-Dweller parks her minivan.

If she pulls right up to the garage, I might be able to get out if I make a 30-point turn. Usually when I am attempting this, Mr. and Mrs. Basement-Dweller stare at me from right outside their front door, giving me dirty glares.

The other day, I tried and failed to get out of my parking space, so I rolled my window down and asked very politely, "could' y'all please move the van?"

Mrs. Basement-Dweller's response was a very audible "UUGGHHH", and then she stabbed her cigarette out rather violently into their overflowing ashtray, went inside, and slammed the door behind her.

Mr. Basement-Dweller stood there for a protracted moment, obviously under the assumption that Mrs. Basement-Dweller had gone in to get her keys so she could move the van. When she did not return after some time, he stuck his head inside and said something to her, and then he went and got the keys and moved the van.

And I was like ummmmmmm ok do y'all want me to take out your railings again? Should I arrange to have my car lifted out of the driveway with a crane?? COULD ONE OF YOU MAYBE PARK IN THE FECKING STREET LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?

 Lil Bro#2's explanation: "Obviously it's because she's an old witch who wants to steal your youth and beauty from you. Watch out. Don't drink any mysterious liquids that show up on your doorstep."

Sounds legit.

Have a good weekend y'all!

Monday, August 29, 2016

Some things I accomplish when both bosses are away on vacation:

A month's worth of backed up filing.

Making jewelry.

Took me a while to get the hang of it because the tutorials I found online be like:

I found this cool pair of antique scissors in the tin of embroidery thread I bought 3 years ago and forgot about.

I fixed my sunglasses.*

And I made this totally sweet sculpture out of white-out.

In other news.......

One of my best friends got married Saturday. She began planning it the Monday before. (They've been engaged for like 6 years.) It was just for immediate family; I was the only friend present because she wanted me to take photos.

Quote of the day: "This is really just about having a photo shoot for my nails."

She did them herself and they perfectly matched her dress. (She wore black, he wore white.)

On Sunday I tried chatting with the Pesto Man. He does not seem remotely interested, which is not surprising at all because it's me and good things never ever ever ever happen to me where boys are concerned.

This coming Saturday, Loud Auntie and Anorexic Auntie are coming to stay for a week.

 Lil Bro#2 also comes home forever on Wednesday. I'm super excited. We've already planned our first trespassing adventure.



Which means summer is almost over.

And pumpkin spice season will soon be upon us.

:D :D :D

But perhaps most exciting of all, WOVENHAND'S NEW ALBUM COMES OUT ON SEPTEMBER 5TH. 

They just released another single from the album and it's really freaking amazing. I've already pre-ordered the album on vinyl. 

What did y'all get up to over the weekend?

*I sat on them.