Tuesday, December 29, 2015

THE MUSHROOM OF COURSE

Howdy y'all. Hope everyone is enjoying the holidays. We had a pretty quiet Christmas this year--just Mumsy, me, Lil Sis, Big Sis#2, Useless-in-Law, and Niecey G.

I have a new bass.


(Lil Bro#1 has a guitar that looks almost the same, which is called Ragnar. hence my bass has been christened Rollo.)

Rollo punched me in the face last night while I was trying to practice playing for church, so he is aptly named. That thing is friggin heavy.

I also got a MASSIVE supply of Sakura pens.


And Lil Sis got me a great colouring book, so I have been arting quite a bit.


Which has led me to steal Tempest's New Years resolutions from last year: Do no harm, take no shit, and make good art (whatever form that art may be).

IN OTHER NEWS

I think I like a boy. And for once in.... ........... pretty much my entire life, he is not a manwhore, he is not an asshole, and (as far as I know, at least), he is not married or in a relationship. (I probably just jinxed myself saying/typing that out loud, but I can't keep this bottled up for any longer; I'm about to explode.

He's rather a bit older than I am, but at this stage I think it's a certainty that I will end up settling down with someone older (if I ever settle down....). He's not even that cute. I just like him a lot.

But being the most awkward person ever and just socially disabled in general, I don't know what to do. He is one of those people who never uses social media. I have his number because he's one of the drummers for the church band, but that's only because we do a lot of group messaging for the band. I want to ask one of the other bands members if he is in fact single, but that is a level of awkward from which I don't think I could easily recover.



SO I DUNNO WHAT TO DO

Which means I'll probably sit in silence and do nothing.



So how were the holidays for the rest of you? Any exciting plans for New Years Eve? Mine will be unexciting, with just M., another friend, Lil Bro #2, and myself. We'll be eating a gourmet dinner of slow-cooked short ribs and my signature rosemary smashed red potatoes, plus playing Yoshi and Mortal Kombat on Nintendo 64. And lots of alcohol. 

Monday, December 21, 2015

Daddy, I want another pony.


Remember when you were ten years old and there was that one thing that everyone just had to collect or be branded a loser forever?

Pogs are the first thing that springs to mind. I think I was like 9 or 10 when those exploded into popularity. (I had an amazing collection, too. It included a slammer made of steel that probably would have killed someone if thrown at them. Good times.)


And everyone remembers how hard it was to get a Tamagotchi when they first got popular. 


When I was twelve, the girls in my school collected digital pets to the point where you were a social pariah if you didn't have at least one each of a Tamagotchi, Giga Pet, Nano Baby, Raku Raku Dinokun, and a Digimon.

I had sort of forgotten these weird little fads existed until my niece gave us her Christmas wish list. Know what the big fad is currently amongst the middle schoolers in the tri-state area?

Hand sanitizer.

Frigging HAND SANITIZER.

Specifically, mini hand sanitizers from Bath & Body Works.


The kids collect these now. And the little holders you can get to clip them onto your backpack. 

you can fight other people for them on ebay

Lil Sis says the kids she babysits have like hundreds of them, with bunches attached to every zipper on their school bags. And it's pretty much all they want for Christmas.

Weirdos.



What trends do you guys remember? And what are the kids around you collecting now? Have they, too, fallen victim to the hand sanitizer fad?

Have happy Christmas y'all. I start cooking tomorrow, beginning with the mince pies. I'm mixing it up a bit this year and replacing the brandy with expensive whiskey, so we shall see how they turn out........

Thursday, December 3, 2015

God rest ye merry hippogriffs

The Christmas season is upon us once again. We all know what that means.





My old cat, Callisto used to knock the tree down every year. (She always waited until the day after Christmas though, which was very considerate.)

As soon as the fake tree makes its appearance, Harleyquinn goes into permanent Crazy Time ModeThere is actually a flattened spot in the middle of the fake tree from her sleeping in it.

Ivy only tried climbing it once.


 Ivy, the simple cat does not like Christmas. She does not like anything that deviates from Normal. As in, the same people being in the house and the same daily routine for 2 days or more, 2 days being the limit of Ivy's memory. Currently, with me going up to stay at my Dad's from Friday to Sunday night, Ivy is having meltdowns all over the place. First on Saturday morning, when I have not returned. After a full day, she accepts that Mich is gone and never coming back, and thus accepts Mumsy as her new primary caretaker. When Mich returns from the dead on Sunday night, Ivy's whole world is shattered again, and it takes her another day and a half to recover.

So despite the fact that Ivy has experienced 2 Christmases before, she has no memory of it. On top of the decorations, Christmas means more people in the house. Ivy hides under my bed when strangers arrive. Even Lil Sis--when she comes home from college, it takes Ivy 2 days of hiding under the bed before she remembers that Lil Sis lives here.

As a result of all of this chaos, when I'm home (and once Ivy has remembered who I am), she follows me around the house at all times. She will cry if I shut her out of the bathroom. She will cry if she discovers I left the room and she didn't notice. And she will hover around my ankles and I'll forget she does that and




and I look down to see Ivy, extremely concerned.



On Tuesday night, I got drunk and decorated the living room. I think I may have gone a *tad* overboard.


I still cannot find the office decorations. I definitely remember, after taking all the decorations down last year, that I had this *~*BRILLIANT*~* notion with regard to the office decorations: I decided to put them away somewhere separate from the house decorations, so that I would have an easy time finding them this year instead of digging through all the boxes of household decorations. 

Guess what.

I totally forgot where I put them. I have searched the entire house. 

Thursday, November 19, 2015

I'm Going to Complain Now, Episode 65


I'm sure this may come as a shock, but I'm going to complain now. 

I guess this is sort of a continuation of that post I did about my weird pet peeves.

Know what I really really hate, like more than anything else that involves driving?

Supermarket parking lots.

People misbehaving in the grocery store is bad enough, but I think all of mankind's worst attributes come out in the grocery store parking lot.



1. People taking up three parking spaces because they're too lazy to back up and straighten themselves out.

2. People leaving shopping carts in the middle of parking spaces instead of taking the extra 20 seconds to bring it back to the shopping cart return thingy.

3. People letting their shopping carts run away and crash into other people's cars.

4. People not stopping and looking before flooring it out of their parking spaces.

5. Other people getting pissed off and honking their horns when you're very slowly and carefully backing out of your space because there are cars beside you and you have not yet acquired the ability to see through solid objects.

6. People on foot darting out from behind parked cars without looking, and then giving you dirty looks when you have to slam on your brakes to avoid hitting them.

7. Seagulls. The ocean is very far away. Where did you come from? Why are you here? And why do you all hate me?







There are certain supermarkets I at which I will not shop because I really hate their parking lots. Unlike most Americans, I will not circle the parking lot searching for the space closest to the door, and I will not stalk people who look like they are about to leave so that I can park closer to the door.

I park as far away from other cars and people as possible.


So that was my lunch break. Now on to more things that I hate:

People who never shut up.

You might be a really nice person. You might be an awesome person to hang out with.

However

If you're the sort of person who cannot handle silence and/or has no inner monologue and so must speak every single thought in your head out loud, we can't be friends. I'm sorry, that's just the way it has to be.

In an unfortunate twist of fate (or perhaps God just trying to see how far he can push my patience and anger management) there are two people in my life who just cannot shut up, and they are people from whom I cannot escape: Bosslady, and my mother.

There have been times where I thought there was someone else in the house, or someone else in the office because Bosslady and Mumsy were talking as though having a conversation with another person. I know it's not their fault; it's just their personalities. But the longer they keep talking, the more annoyed I get. The result of this is that when I reach my breaking point, I sound mad without meaning to when I talk to them, which leads to confusion (and in the case of Mumsy, fights for no reason). And then I feel bad afterwards.

I don't know which of the two of them is worse. Mumsy tends to fly off the handle even when I don't think I sound pissed off, and then she throws a tantrum.

Bosslady, on top of never shutting up, has that particular Yankee accent where almost every sentence she speaks sounds like a question, and a lot of the time she has a very condescending tone that I don't think is intentional. And both of them tend to repeat themselves over and over and over and over and over and over to a ridiculous degree, and that's another thing that annoys me.


It took me years to figure out why I spend so much time feeling really angry for no apparent reason. Praise the Lord for Zoloft.

How are all y'all doing?


Thursday, November 12, 2015

The Seven Types of Clients in Every Law Firm

For all of you who work with the general public: ever notice that you meet the same handful of personalities over and over and over again?

At work, we only have seven different types of clients:

The Continuously Whining Manbaby

There are certain types of people you can only listen to for so long before you explode.


The Whining Manbaby is one of them. I have seen so many of these guys come through the office over the years it makes me nauseous. They're all the same--they have plenty of money, but they refuse to pay us and/or the people they owe money to (like their Destitute Ex-Wives and children, but I'll get to that), they are rude, selfish, lazy, entitled pieces of sh*t and it's enough to drive me up the freaking wall.

Someone else who needs to just shut the f*ck up?


The Raging Harpy

What's that phrase? Hell hath no fury like the woman who seriously needs to just let it go and move on?

We have two clients at the moment who owe us tens of thousands of dollars because they won't let it go. Divorces that should have ended over a year ago are being litigated to death because they can't let it go. I get it, I really do--their husbands are lying, cheating, Whining Manbabies who probably deserve it, but there comes a point in life where you cut your losses and move on instead dragging both you and your innocent children through the mud.


The Destitute Single Mother with the Deadbeat Ex-Husband

These are the non-Raging Harpy women who were once married to Whining Manbabies. They have to work three jobs to support their children because their husbands would rather go around setting up franchises with new younger women than pay child support. We do a lot of free legal work for these women and ignore their mounting bills because we know they cannot afford to pay us what they actually owe.


The Nice Guy Who Couldn't Make a Wise Decision Even if Held at Gunpoint

Guys, I really don't understand how you can't spot the psychos. I can spot these women before they even speak.

The nice guys who come into our office all have one thing in common--absolutely horrific taste in women. Women who are actively destroying their lives for no other than they are batsh*t crazy. These guys are actually decent dads who want to take care of their children, and half the time their Raging Harpy soon-to-be-ex is using the children against them, or not letting them see their children at all.

And what do these guys do when the divorce is finally over and done? They go marry another psychopath.


People Who Must Have Broken a Lot of Mirrors

We have a bunch of clients who just can't stop having bad accidents. (And they end up completely broke because health insurance companies are awful.) Car accidents, slipping and falling in supermarkets, falling down stairs, getting bitten by dogs, getting assaulted by random crazy people in public places--I don't know how they do it, but they make us quite a bit of money, so I shan't complain.


Normal People (a.k.a., Criminals)

Drug dealers, gang members, hitmen, the Russian mafia--know what they all have in common? They're extremely pleasant. The are polite, they do not complain about their bills or the job we are doing (even when they have to go to jail), they are not psychos, they are not whiners; they are just nice to be around. I wish we dealt exclusively with criminal cases, but alas there is not much serious crime in Bergen County, and frequenting the Passaic and Essex County courts has the tendency to shorten one's life span.


General Morons

You know what's not a good idea? Driving past a cop going 60 miles per hour in a 25 MPH zone while on your cell phone, with ten bags of heroin on your passenger seat.

Pretending to be a realtor so you can break into people's houses and steal their identity.

CONSTANTLY driving around in a town where every single cop knows you and your car when your license is suspended.

Taking way too much angel dust and then peeing in your neighbour's garden, in full view of said neighbour.


I could go on, but you get the idea.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Nice is for cowards and Democrats.

Howdy friends. Happy cold season! Lil Bro#1 has infected me with the worst cold I have ever experienced. 


Woke up Sunday with horrible sinus pain. Then yesterday my voice died and I was unable to answer the phones all day at work. This morning, the nose and throat irritation got so bad, I was coughing up blood. It's a good time.

Took the day off from work, and Bossman's response was:


I had planned on making an appointment with the doctor who hands out the codeine without even questioning why you want it, but to be honest, I am too lazy. I didn't get out of bed until 2.00 (I sleep like a baby when I have a fever), and I am still in my sweatpants. 

I will probably still be in sweatpants later when I drive my mother to the airport (woohoo a week alone in the house!) and when I stop at the liquor store on the way home. I think I might be the only person in the state who is not self conscious doing their shopping in sweatpants and cowboy boots.

Stay well, my friends. 


Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Keep drinking, little man. I wanna see how red your face can get.

Howdy y'all. I hope everyone had a nice Halloween. I attended the church Halloween party and played games with the kiddies.


I was the general favourite of the 2 - 6 age group, and received many hugs.

I'm playing bass in the church band this Sunday. They asked me back after my first performance two weeks ago, so I guess that means I don't totally suck. I discovered two weeks ago that I am not nervous at all getting up on stage in front of people.

 We have also managed to convince Lil Bro#1 to play back up guitar this Sunday, so I'm double excited. When Lil Bro#2 comes home for Thanksgiving, he will be playing drums, so perhaps our dream of getting The Brooks Brothers and the Bastard Henry playing as a real band is closer than we thought.

I'm working on a picture based on my favourite beer, but I shall have to wait until Friday evening to finish it, as I left half of my art supplies at Dadum's house.



because normal people make beer fan art

Thursday, October 29, 2015

hockety pockety whockety whack


In an attempt to relax and just shut my brain off for a while, I have started drawing again. I forgot how much I enjoyed it. It's really just doodling with those gelly roll pens, but Mumsy did not believe me when I said I drew them, so I presume they mustn't look that bad. 


Elsa... not exactly my favourite character, but 2 weekends in a row of dressing up as Elsa and getting mobbed by small children at Halloween parties has left the image floating around in my head.
dig dird


Sailor Neptune
foilage

And completed today:


The Dragon


Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.


Living with mental illness often feels like trying to find your way out of a haunted house at a carnival, only no one told you that the haunted house has no exit. Some days are just

  
(Of course, sometimes that's my own fault.)









My drug dealer took me off of Lexapro because I was experiencing pretty much all of the bad side effects. He put me on Zoloft instead. I think it's working. Sort of. Mostly it has gifted me with a Nothing Box of my very own, a thing which God has denied us women. The Nothing Box is my favourite thing ever. Now instead of my brain feeling like an internet browser with 65985874748 tabs open at the same time, I can settle into a comfortable state of zero brain activity.



Follow up appointment with the drug dealer in two weeks. I'm hoping he increases the dosage.

Friday, October 9, 2015

The Hand.

I have mentioned previously some of the ways in which I tortured Lil Sis growing up. In honor of Lil Sis's upcoming 21st birthday, I will tell y'all about my all time favourite.

Let me back up to 3 years before Lil Sis was even born.

I had an AWESOME Halloween party in 1991. Unfortunately, none of the adults present deemed it necessary to take any photos of it, so y'all will have to use your imaginations.

Mum and Lil Sis's dad constructed a haunted house in my basement--a tunnel filled with lights and fog and fake spiderwebs, that ended in the sauna (which was terrifying enough on its own[that basement will eventually have its own blog post; I'm working on it]), where Lil Sis's dad had set up an "axe murderer" using some of his own clothes, newspaper (to stuff the clothes/body), and this really creepy mask-and-gloves Halloween costume.

After the party, many of the decorations found their way into the toys and other random stuff in the basement. And somehow, years later, one of the gloves continued to survive Mum's frequent THROW EVERYTHING AWAY episodes.


Sometimes small children are completely terrified of random things for no reason. Niecey G used to be so afraid of my friend M. that she would either freeze like a deer in headlights, paralyzed with fear, or scream bloody murder whenever he entered the room. One of my little cousins used to FLIP THE EFF OUT if he spotted a cobweb in the house.

And Lil Sis had an intense fear of that glove.

Once I discovered Lil Sis's reaction to the glove, I just couldn't resist. Big Sis #2 thought this was hilarious as well, and pretty much everyone else who wasn't Lil Sis or Mum. 

Whenever Lil Sis did something bratty 




(which was like every few seconds, hence why we never felt guilty about this), 




we would hide the glove up our sleeves



and let Lil Sis fall into a false sense of security



and then at the right moment


we would slowly expose the hairy hand and wait for Lil Sis to see it.




The glove would be hidden as soon as Mum came running to see what was wrong with Lil Sis. And the poor child would be in such a state of abject terror, she could never articulate what had upset her.

and for a moment, all was right with the world

For Lil Sis's birthday next week, I have purchased her a hairy hand.





Wednesday, September 30, 2015

You can’t get no action if you're standin’ still.


I had a lovely holiday in Kentucky. And after seeing what Bossman and Bosslady did to the office in my absence, I would very much like to get back into my car, drive back to Kentucky, and stay there.

We took 2 days each way to drive down to Paducah. At the welcome center in West Virginia, we took our photos with the ridiculous motorbike thing:



(It's a family tradition; so far only Lil Bro#2 still needs his photo with this.)

We drove through the Daniel Boone State Forest. The Red River Gorge is beautiful. 



At the motel in Paducah, we discovered a number of kitties. So naturally we fed the kitties our leftovers every evening, and sat outside with them until we went to bed.


Cookie, Lady, and Paddy
Paddy was the general favourite. He started out pretty wild, but we had him purring on our laps by the last night there. 

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday was the Barbecue on the River, so we spent a good deal of time rambling about the town and eating quite a lot. 


Paducah river front
We decided on where to eat based upon the number of trophies outside each barbecue booth.



We also discovered my new favourite pumpkin spice beer.



We spent two days wandering around the Land Between the Lakes, which is beautiful.



And on Sunday, we got to spend the day with Tempest, which was quite lovely, and I wish she lived closer.

And then this morning I returned to work, to this:


is it the weekend yet