Sunday, December 29, 2013

It's too late. It was already in the glass, not in the jar.

All the apple pie recipes (the beverage, not the dessert)  found on the internet involve cider, apple juice, and a ton of brown sugar. This is a disgrace. So before apple cider season comes to an end in the supermarket, I have decided to share my apple pie recipe. 


The following is the recipe for ~2 mason jars' worth of apple pie.

You will need:
- 4 cups apple cider
- 2 cinnamon sticks
- ground spices, specifically cinnamon, allspice, nutmeg, cloves, and ginger
- 1/4 tsp vanilla
- moonshine, or if you do not know anyone who makes moonshine, a bottle of Everclear will do (grain alcohol, 190 proof). Depending on your tolerance, you'll need 1/4 cup to 1 cup. I shall elaborate on this below. 

To make it:

- In a saucepan, heat the apple cider with the cinnamon sticks, vanilla, and the spices. I don't measure anything; I just eyeball it. You'll find your own preferences with trial and error. I use about 1/4 tsp of cinnamon and allspice, and then a pinch of nutmeg, pinch of clove, and slightly larger pinch of ginger.

- DO NOT let the cider/spices come to a boil. Heat it at a medium or just above medium temperature until it's just barely starting to simmer and/or steam. Turn the heat down to low and let it heat up for about 20 minutes, stirring with a whisk about every 5 minutes.

- Turn the heat off and take it off the stove. Let it sit for about 10 - 15 minutes. 

- Before you even think about opening the bottle of Everclear, make sure all sources of flames and heat have been blown out or cooled down. Seriously. Unless you want a crater where your kitchen used to be, NO OPEN FLAMES. 

- Add the moonshine or Everclear to the cider in the pan and stir it with the whisk. If you're making this to share with other people at a family gathering, party, etc., I would suggest using 1/4 - 1/2 cup of alcohol, so no one gets alcohol poisoning. If it's just for you and you know your limits/tolerance, you can go up to 1 cup for every 4 cups of cider. 

- Once the apple pie has cooled enough that you can put your hand on the saucepan without getting burned, pour the apple pie into mason jars. Keep the cinnamon sticks, placing one in each jar. If you like, you can use a strainer to strain out the gloop that the spices leave on the bottom. Personally I like leaving the gloop, as I feel that it strengthens the flavour of all the spices while the apple pie sits in the jars.

- Let the mason jars cool completely before putting them in the fridge. 

- Occasionally, your apple pie may take on a jello-ish consistency once it's been the fridge for a while. I have no idea why this happens. To avoid it, give the jar a good shake before you open it to pour a drink. 

- Enjoy!

Friday, December 27, 2013

They tried sodium amytal on him three years ago trying to find out where he buried a Princeton student. He gave them a recipe for dip.

Just a quick post to let y'all know I'm still here and ok, 'cause I got a couple emails inquiring as to my well-being. 

Not much to report. Christmas was not nearly as exciting as last year

Got some excellent booty from Mum Santa.

Mum and Lil Sis, in their attempts to drag me into the 21st century, also surprised me with a Kindle Fire, the screen of which I have been compulsively cleaning ever since. (And also re-reading Red Dragon).

 I feel like my old college roommate when he got his Mac laptop--he rarely let anyone touch it, and if you were allowed to touch it, you had to go wash your hands first with the most dehydrating soap that we had in the bathroom.

Pretty sure I also gained back all the weight I may have lost the last month or so, as I have been compulsively over-eating since Tuesday. ...A good thing?

Hope the rest of you had a lovely Christmas!

::slithers back into corner to polish kindle::

Monday, December 16, 2013

You son of a perverse and rebellious woman!

The thing with the boy upstairs isn't going anywhere because he's definitely not interested, which should not surprise me because he's a genuinely nice guy and at this point in life I know that no genuinely nice guy is going to like me EVER because they never ever ever do, so let's pretend that last post never happened.

Confession time. (...and ED trigger warning from this point on...)

I feel like an epic fail. 

But if I can't be honest with all y'all, there's no point in this blog, right?

I have stopped eating again. 

This built up over time, I guess. The Sunday after Thanksgiving, I woke up suicidally depressed for no reason (that I could think of), and I have ridden a roller coaster of mucky emotions since then. That whole week, I got more and more cranky and depressed until it came to a head on that Friday, at which time I went home to my apartment and tore down all of my Christmas decorations, throwing most of them into the bin. 

This used to be my favourite time of year. I LIVE for Christmas. 

I couldn't let the depression take over again. I can't go back to that--living every day like a zombie, hating everything, spending most of my time contemplating different ways to end my life. It was a f*cking nightmare and I'm not doing it again. 

Not eating stops the extreme depression. 

It's a different demon this time, though. I still haven't weighed myself, so I have no clue how much weight I've lost. I know I've lost weight, though. My bones are starting to stick out and my size 0 jeans are baggy. 

My boobs are gone. It's very sad.

I try to eat, but I just ........can't. Went out to dinner with M. last night to the Texas Roadhouse--which I love and which has delicious food--and I ate maybe 5 little pieces of onion blossom, and like 2 bites of my steak. I felt really guilty, too, because M. (we've shared ED's for years) has been doing really well, but last night he hardly ate anything and I feel like it's because I wasn't eating. (He did eat later; we had some smokey treats and then he ate all the leftovers.)

Stepmom keeps inviting me over for dinner and I keep making excuses, but now today is Dad's birthday so I know I can't blow her off this week, and so I'm terrified. 

Mumsy wants me to go out to dinner one night this week, and I'm twice as terrified of that. I can get away with not eating in front of Stepmom (and Dad's not an issue because he's totally oblivious to anything I say and do), but Mumsy knows all my tricks. She's also psychic, and according to Lil Sis, has been secretly monitoring my weight every time she sees me because she "has a feeling" something is wrong.

I don't want help. (Not that I could afford it even if I did want help...) To start eating again, you need to want to do it. And I don't. I'm just not hungry. Not for food, at least.

I just don't know.  

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Love is a burning thing.

BrianSlade the office dog was acting energetic today. Normally he just sleeps, or sneaks up behind me to beg for dog biscuits. I never hear him, I just get a whiff of dog and dog-breath (WHICH ARE BOTH THE MOST DISGUSTING SMELLS EVER BTW), and then turn to see him standing there, a foot away from my chair.

And then he starts chattering his teeth like he's trying out for Hellraiser.

Today though, he started frapping.

But like most dogs, BrianSlade is not very intelligent. Which inevitably leads to

He thinks he's a lot smaller, apparently. The poor dog is constantly walking into things, and bashing his face on walls and furniture when he turns his head.

So, these exist:

I'm tempted to buy them, but I know I'll eat the entire box in one sitting, so I must resist...

Remember when I first moved into my hobbit hole, I talked about my absolutely freaking gorgeous neighbour upstairs

Guess what

He's single now


He's also in a band (second from left, in the hat).

I hung out with him upstairs the other night.



Ok so maybe you guys can help me out with this because my bff M. and his theatrics have got me over-analyzing it to the point of mental illness.

So Thanksgiving night I got home at like 8.00. While I was fumbling with my keys because I forgot to leave an outside light on, delicious neighbour scared the crap out of me (which is nearly impossible; I am ashamed) when he came hurrying down to my door to apologize for his uncle parking in the spot next to mine.

His uncle moved in a couple weeks ago, and usually parks up the other side of the house. There are four parking spaces, two for me and two for them, but none of us really bother with worrying about whose spot is whose. Neighbour's uncle (as well as other friends and relatives) have parked in that spot many times before.

But neighbour came to apologize anyway, even though he has to know full well by now that I hardly ever have visitors.

And then he casually mentions that he and his girlfriend broke up.

(Which was awful, because I had to try really REALLY effing hard to act sympathetic while fireworks and flaming rainbows were dancing around in my head.)

And then he said I should come upstairs and hang out sometimes.

M. believes that delicious neighbour orchestrated this on purpose. I'm not so sure. I mean yeah that is totally something I would do, but I'm a girl. Idk how guys operate. :/

BUT I intend to pursue this. Potential awkward living situation be damned!