Friday, November 30, 2012

and rigor mortis to start that head cold

Mum was on the phone last night with her filthy rich friend and started talking about me because I was writing instead of dutifully watching Law & Order SVU. (and she also doesn't understand how I can write, eat dinner, and watch television at the same time so she likes to tell other people about my strange habits and thus have someone else to confirm that yes Mich is a bit strange and no, don't worry it isn't you Mummy).

My mother also has this odd habit of giving people completely inaccurate information about her children even when she knows the information is false. Like that time a few years ago when she said to Granny, "Mich wears white face paint instead of makeup."

No, Mumsy; I have not worn white face makeup since I was goth. Ten years ago. I am actually this pale.
...and have achieved my lifelong goal of having my skin the same colour as my hair.  
Or to her friends a year ago, "Mich was too hungover to cook Christmas dinner, so I had to do everything."

ummm what

NO, I was violently ill because I ate too much Italian food (I'm assuming that was the cause, which in fairness was my own fault because I know I can't eat that) and yet I STILL managed to drag myself off the living room floor and away from the Christmas Story marathon to disembowel the goose and use its innards for the stuffing. Mum peeled the potatoes before going back to bed.

Anyway I could go on and on and on about this, but I'm sure none of you want to hear it, so I'll get back to last night.

I feel like a whiny little brat complaining about this.


I have few accomplishments in life, and few skills and talents about which to brag. I do not have the epic brainpower of Big Sis#1 and Lil Bro #2. I do not have the supernatural musical abilities of Lil Bro #1. I do not have smart and talented children to show off to friends and family. I can write stuff fairly well. That's it.

Mum knows exactly how many books I've written because she has read them all, and she has bragged about it to others. But for some reason whilst talking to her rich friend, she decided to slice a few novels off the top.

"Mich has written 2 books."


I guess maybe she feels like she has no business bragging to rich friend because rich friend's daughter is the super-genius wonderchild who managed to get two bachelors degrees in 3 years?

Mich has written SEVEN books and one novella. 


That's 2 + 5.
( = 7.)

Yes, I know, I'm a whiny little brat. But I can't help that it bothers me. Like when Mum claims not to know that I hate cheese, or that I am left-handed. I will allow Dad these things because he has five children to remember and when you're the third daughter born before the first son, you should count yourself lucky you weren't left in a basket on the mountainside to die.

I was totally going somewhere with this post and veered way off into another direction.....

DEE has pneumonia. Shedding tears emoticon (Sad Emoticons) My ability to function has dropped by about 80%.

Monday, November 26, 2012

At least you have your health.

So I have a question for any of you lovely readers who are in the medical profession....

For the past several months, I have been manifesting some odd symptoms. Three in particular have become somewhat bothersome:

1. The Headache. I'm not sure when it started, but it occurred to me about 2 weeks ago that it does not stop. Some days it gets worse than usual, which it did when I was coughing violently for 2 weeks, and I realized then that I don't even notice the basic headache anymore because it never goes away. I think this one is probably stress, but that makes it no less annoying. It also could be because I never wear my glasses.


2. The Random Chest Pains. The first one occurred about six months ago--it's an extremely sharp pain in the very middle of my chest, which sometimes makes it hard to breathe properly. I thought maybe indigestion, but it happens both recently after eating, and when I haven't eaten in 2+ hours. It happens when I'm exerting myself and when I'm not exerting myself. I never know when it will strike, but it makes me nervous.

3. Morning Sickness. And NO, unless it is the Second Coming of the Messiah (or the antichrist) I am not pregnant. Every morning, about an hour to 90 minutes after I get up, I feel sick. Like about-to-vomit sick. (On 2 occasions I have actually vomited.) It does not make a difference whether I eat breakfast or not, neither does what I have for breakfast make a difference. EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING. It's starting to get obnoxious because it now takes me twice as long as usual to get ready for work or whatever. 

Is there something wrong with me? As y'all know by now, I am not inclined to go to the doctor, especially if I may have something serious. Also my health insurance will absolutely not cover anything more than a basic doctor visit (i.e., it will not cover blood tests, MRI's, etc etc), and I'll probably end up getting a bill for the doctor visit anyway because no doubt Whoreizon Blue Cross Blue Shield will claim that whatever it is, it's pre-existing. 

.....Also since the apocalypse is coming, I see no point in getting anything treated until after the world ends.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Lend me ten pounds, I'll buy you a drink.

A real post!! Sort of.... 
As always, I feel like a bad blogger. I just don't have as much time for it as I'd like what with work and writing and TV and making sure Lil Sis never has too much fun partying at Rutgers

Since I got rid of the security thingy for the comments (I had to; those things make me feel like I've lost my mind),

I've been getting a lot of spam comments. Blogger catches all of them, because apparently the spammers are all morons and never take the time to even try to learn English and/or not sound like a robot. Usually it's something like this:

"It's the best time to make some plans for the future and it is time to be happy. I've read this post and if I could I desire to suggest you few interesting things or suggestions. Maybe you could write next articles referring to this article. I desire to read even more things about it! Stop by my web site; engineering internship" 

and then a link to some website

Today brought my favourite one ever:

"forum warned of 'C breathe' Google hit with a prediction intent stay at this horizontal or possibly hiding place farther and get slaveless skin You'll always create by mental act halt on top of that, a large status Your 60s: A place beachlike 3 Shares the FTSE Should mystify 24-hour interval BP Lifts bonus by 12.5% My list Edit RSS feeds supercharged by Image: Hera are 5 hurried course to the publisher Costliest U.S. Catastrophes tip germane disasters can hit with teeny dissuasive. Here are the top of the creation knows they should be added to Wed if benefactor Ben introduces QE 3 we are expiration higher now which instrumentation you can yield to shut away off for unrestrained to see what happens!.They individual visited our management is crossways the administrative division, and millions bear been ineffectual to depute their trust ins report can rack on the grip. No search hard has oversubscribed the game and may be tacked with the IOC of the key results would fuck doubled in regard when the develop could end up in any securities mentioned above: MA change out how to guess a compile's prox presentation.
There is elfin other to business deal and benefit from your investing in open universities in Asian nation eruditeness programme manikin 275 KB (PDF) Association of Southeast Asian Nations holdfast quick Rules of Bursa Asian nation Rules sac Malaya database Requirements sac Asian nation erudition is now a days. They make out these conversations, my friends who forfeit his job. Sell: No so much recommendation.
Sponsored golf course: sheet Stats : 290 members
/ 1656 guests (24 hrs) Rambus, Inc."

Umm what

Their link is for some site that sells recommendations on penny stocks. Armed with that single piece of intelligible information, I will now translate what these people are trying to say:

Dear Potential Customer,

Google (also known as The Oracle) has predicted that if you remain in a horizontal position in an unspecified far away hiding spot, you will achieve your ultimate dream of getting Slaveless Skin. Unfortunately, your resulting high social status won't be much use to you because you will age 60 years overnight and all your brain functions will shut down.
I don't know why we're levitating; just go with it. And those are the slaves falling off, in case you couldn't tell. 
 Also say goodbye to your timeshared beach property, because the combined forces of the London Stock Exchange and BP are going to hypnotize you and convince you to hand over your now super-powered beach property to Hera, Queen of the Gods, who is going to sell said property in order to fund the self-publishing of her upcoming book--The Germane Guide to the Most Expensive Teeny Disasters in United States History.

On an unrelated note, God approves of Ben Bernanke's opinion on the US's next attempt at economic stimulation, even though this attempt will inevitably lead to the apocalypse. In fact, God visited our management office the other day, and the administrative offices, which are across the hall from management, to congratulate us on the millions of bears currently employed by our company. Even though we admit they are somewhat ineffectual at their jobs, every single one of those bears could crush your skull with their incredible grip.

[The following sentence is vulgar and I refuse to translate it.]

By using our products and services, the Elves have now assumed control over all of the Asian Nations. Their golf course is glorious.

I hope all of you in the US have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Mine should be interesting, as Stepmom has decided we're going out to eat (which is the holiday-heresy equivalent of burning down a church while wearing a Satan costume and having an orgy in the church's front garden) because apparently she doesn't feel like shopping/cooking/cleaning. And apparently she feels that Big Sis#2 and I are too incompetent to do it ourselves because there was no discussion of possible alternatives. Oh and also apparently Big Sis#2's incompetence merits Stepmom inviting her and then UNINVITING her to dinner, so now Big Sis#2 is not speaking to Dad or Stepmom and can you tell how totally awesome and exciting Thanksgiving is going to be this year because I sure can and let me tell you I am super stoked. 


Friday, November 9, 2012

Dude, check it out! Time Cop on DVD. Three copies for eighteen bucks!

Let’s talk about Walmart.

 There are two Walmarts within driving distance of my house—the regular one in the Airmont/Monsey area on Route 59 and the Supercenter in Harriman. I never think to go to Walmart whenever I need something and recently someone accused me of being pompous, and cited this as one of the pieces of evidence that proves their theory.

 NO, arsehole.

I mean yes, I may be a pompous windbag, but that is not why I never think of going to Walmart. It has more to do with PTSD.

 My BFF M (I've mentioned his madness before) LOOOOVES Walmart. He physically cannot drive past a Walmart without stopping to go for a nice 3-6 hour browse. One time—and I sh*t you not—a couple of us were on one of our weekend adventures and M goes, “I smell a Walmart!”

 30 seconds later, we drive up and over a small hill
and there’s a fecking Walmart.

M had never been to that part of NJ before. Had never been anywhere near it.

 It was worse back when our group was larger and included M’s older sister, Ash-hole.
(Ash-hole and I have been arch-nemeses since like 2008, but that is a long and melodramatic and obnoxious story for another time…)

 Ash-hole loves Walmart, too. So if you were unfortunate enough to be in the car with both M and Ash-hole and they passed a Walmart, your entire day and/or night and/or weekend would be RUINED, because all the things that made a Walmart trip with M so horrific would be doubled in both duration and severity.

 M does the exact same thing every time he goes to Walmart:

 1. Walmart spotted!
 Sometimes he tries to pass this off as an accident.

 He MUST stop and go in.

 2. M will then try to convince you he needs something specific, like moisturizer.
 And then just one more thing, like some 50-thread count sandpaper they’re trying to call bedding.
 Oh and maybe some throw pillows.

 This leads directly to step 3:

 3. The acquisition of a shopping cart.

It’s all downhill from here.

 4. Cosmetics.
 M will spend 20-30 minutes browsing through the cosmetics and toiletries, sampling lotions and smelling every single bottle of shampoo that they have.

 5. Diet pills.
 Because they’re so much cheaper here! But we must make sure we read the entire label of every single one they sell before M eventually chooses the same one he always buys.

 (Total time in Walmart so far: 60 – 80 minutes)

6. Cheap electronics.
 M will spend 30 – 40 minutes comparing the prices of all the DVD players, televisions, and computers. You will browse through the cheap DVD’s until you need your own section in M’s shopping cart.

 7. The craft section.
 M will have a quick browse through the fake flowers and arts & craft kits and whatnot, at which point you will inevitably arrange the big wooden letters into filthy words.

8. The gardening section and plants.
 Kiss your Saturday night goodbye.

(Total time in Walmart so far: 120 - 200 minutes)

 9. The cart is now full and M decides he doesn’t want anything in it, so now you must stealthily move about the store emptying the cart, eventually leaving it in one of the clothing sections.

 10. a. M will now purchase one item and spend less than $2. You will spend at least $50 on all the shite you’ve acquired over the last 4 hours, mostly DVD’s.


 10. b. M will not purchase anything and you will have a nervous breakdown.

…I have gotten my revenge, though, because I do the exact same thing to him in the Christmas Tree Shop.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

feck it all

I'm not going to start this with my usual apology about neglecting everyone's blogs because I have limited internet access and limited battery on my laptop.


I vaguely remember them saying on the news last week that the East Coast was *totally prepared* for Hurricane Thor ("Sandy" is the weakest name I've ever heard and the people naming these things should be punched in the face). 

Let's talk about that for a sec.

That tree was dangling over my street until around 10.00 this morning. There was another one farther down the street. I live in a cul-de-sac with limited access to main roads. The only other way out has been completely blocked with more downed trees and power lines than anyone can count, and so far I have not seen ONE SINGLE tree removal truck, or one PSE&G crew anywhere near my neighborhood. 

In fact, I have not seen a single PSE&G crew anywhere in my town, or in the surrounding towns. None. At all. It's been five days. 


Their website currently says they're not even focusing on restoring power to my town at all this weekend. 

My aunts and cousins said the tv programs over in England and Ireland have become relentless in their ridicule of the supposed *superpower* that is the United States, where we have somehow managed to restore power to Atlantic City (half of which isn't even there anymore), and yet something like 75% of Bergen County remains powerless. 

And petrol-less as well. 

I had no petrol until last night, when a friend siphoned half the petrol from his car into mine. It was that or wait up to four hours at a gas station, because most of the stations around here are either closed or completely out of petrol. The lines are MILES long. They started rationing it at most of the petrol stations, and as of today, they have initiated some kind of program where on odd dates you can only get petrol if the last number on your license plate is odd (I can get petrol today because mine ends in 5 and today is November 3rd; but I'm not because you can only get $20 worth of petrol, which is less fuel than I would use up waiting in line). 

My house is f**king freezing. 


We had a load of firewood, but I used it all up yesterday. This morning, I snuck next door and relieved my neighbours of all the firewood that was stacked up on their porch. (There wasn't much, and they've been dead for like a year, so I don't think they'll miss it.) Later, my friend is letting me take some of his firewood because he's got enough in his back yard to burn down a small city. 

On top of it all, I AM GETTING FAT. 

Like for reals, sweatpants are all that fits me right now. 

I haven't been to the gym in like 2+ weeks because of the combined forces of the Maine holiday, power outage, not having enough petrol to waste on the gym, being bored at home with no power and thus eating everything in the house, and eating out every day because we can't cook anything at home, and getting sick (oh yeah I think I'm actually legitimately sick, like in need of a doctor and a prescription [and y'all know I never admit that unless it's serious] but I'm not going because right now I don't care if I drop dead of pneumonia, and if I need to be hospitalized then I might lose all the weight I've put on). 

Excuse me while I have a coughing fit...


...Alright I'm back. I have to sneak outside for coughing fits so Mum won't hear me because at this point I sound like a consumptive

If I have the consumption I'll probably never know about it because for some reason whenever they do that stupid test where they inject the bubble into your arm I ALWAYS test positive, which is a pain in the arse because it has led to numerous bouts of blood tests and chest x-rays etc etc etc over the years just so the docs can be absolutely sure I'm not a walking plague. 


Oh and Tuesday? If I don't have power I AM NOT VOTING. They can both go feck themselves as far as I'm concerned. 

I hope the rest of you on the eastern seaboard are faring better than I am.