Thursday, December 27, 2012

Winter is coming

I hope all of you had a lovely Christmas. I'm still recovering from the long weekend (emotionally and physically). I haven't had such an eventful four days in..... ....

....... so long it's embarrassing.

This is going to be long, so I shall do my best to make it entertaining. The insanity did not stop for even a second.

I had 2 apocalypse parties to attend, and in the weeks prior I was himming and hawing and bouncing back and forth in nonstop mental debate over which party I wanted to just stop at for a half hour, and which one would take up the rest of my night.

So for a while I kind of like(d{?}) this Boy, and he was throwing one of the parties. But it's been MONTHS and he hasn't even made the hint of a first move (though he seems interested) and I am a very fickle woman and--if you're a gentleman caller--once I get bored, you are fecked. So a month ago I would have planned the entire night around The Boy's party, but I ended up deciding to stop there on the way to the other party. I had planned on staying an hour, BUT found out that this kid I knew in high school was coming and he's an even bigger douchebag than he was ten years ago, so I was like EFF THAT, I'll catch y'all later, and left after 40 minutes.

Then I drove an hour down into the bowels of south-central Jersey for party number two, which was being held in a suite in a hotel (nothing fancy, I assure you). I don't hang out with Crazy L. as much as I would like, and hadn't seen a number of the others in that group in a while, so once I had enough xanax in my system to feel something other than terror at hanging out in groups of other humans, I was kind of excited about it.

Crazy L. insisted we all come prepped for the armageddon (because according to the invitations she sent out, we had each been specifically chosen based on our survival skills). I showed up in my old leather trenchcoat, for old time's sake (Crazy L. and I became friends in the Catholic high school, where I was so goth my wardrobe frequently got me suspended), and with my fake fur scarf-hood I'm pretty sure I looked like one of the Starks.
stolen from:
I brought my favourite weapons as well (bowie knife and short sword), and was named one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (I'm War, obviously.... I'm still waiting for Crazy L. to post those photos...). We played a rather smut-oriented Truth or Dare card game, which we then stopped because it probably would have turned ugly. I drank like a half gallon of apple pie and somehow managed to NOT be drunk at the end of the night. And then, for reasons unknown, we all watched zombie porn, which should not exist. Ever.

I woke up at 6AM on the couch and could not go back to sleep, and since both bathrooms were behind [locked] bedroom doors, I shambled down to the hotel cafe to use the loo there (and got a number of alarmed stares, because I imagine I looked like a homeless person). Then I putzed around the hotel suite for as long as I could stand before starting to get over-bored (at like 9AM), at which point I started "cleaning", and made enough noise to wake everyone else up so I could shower.

I wore my new t-shirt:
Terre Haute Couture....

I went on an expedition for QuickChek coffee. (I'm an addict.)

Then we went to see The Hobbit, which was a good movie, but also very disappointing because that book really didn't need to be stretched out into three films.

...I also met a boy I kind of liked (we had met before, but only briefly). He's extremely dim, in an endearing sort of way (I'm a total sucker for the stupid ones). I ended up staying at Crazy L.'s hotel suite until like 11.00 that night (they had rented it for two nights) and totally bailed on Paul#2's annual heavy-metal themed Christmas party (because after last year I kind of never want to go that party again). I lied and told Paul#2 I had gotten a ride down to the hotel from someone else and they were too hungover to drive back home. Go me. I then promised him I would call him the following afternoon.

Because I didn't feel like going home (Idk why, just one of those moods), I took the longest possible route on mostly back roads and got home at like 1.30 AM.

Mum, Lil Sis, and I were to be going to a small gathering of family friends on Sunday night, and there was much drama surrounding those who would be there. I figured I should get out for a while before we went to that party.

My bff D. is home from Colorado, so we decided to go hiking. There's a spot in Bear Mountain I've been exploring, so I looked up the trails that are up there, chose one of the loops that explores the abandoned mines, and off we went.

Let's talk about how totally awesome the Parks Department is at organizing their trail markers.

According to the directions I got off the NY/NJ Trail Conference, we were to follow the Long Path (aqua trail blazes) until it joins the Dunning Trail (yellow blazes), then veer right to stay on the aqua trail until it meets a trail marked with red and white blazes. Specifically, white-with-little-red-triangle blazes.

Like this:

After just over an hour of hiking, we got to the spot where the aqua met the red-and-white. That high up, Bear Mountain & Harriman State Park were pretty well hammered by Superstorm Sauron, and there're huge trees down all over the feckin place. D and I had to do a fair bit of climbing over them to find the red-and-white trail, where we were supposed to go. We circled and climbed and doubled back and climbed and circled some more until finally we found the red-and-white trail, and began following it, hoping to see some ruins and whatnot before the red-and-white trail returned us to the parking lot.

A little ways down the trail, D. pointed out that these blazes had red circles on white,

rather than red triangles on white.

But we had searched the spot where the aqua trail met the red-and-white. We hadn't seen any other trails. And what kind of TOTAL MORON would put two different trails with the exact same colours and general design on their blazes right next to each other? That would be SILLY, right??!!?

Guess what.

They were two different trails.

After what seemed like far too long on the white-and-red-circle trail (the directions I had said we should have been back at the beginning within 2 and a half hours from the start of the hike, which means *I* should have completed that hike in less than 2 hours), I said I had a bad feeling about this trail with the ominous red circle instead of triangle. This bad feeling quadrupled when all of a sudden the red circles on the blazes vanished, and we were left with plain white trail blazes. And a big rock marked with a white blaze and a big "AT."

Know what that stands for?

Appalachian Trail.

Just to be clear:

So instead of getting on the short red-and-white trail that led back to the car, we got on the red-and-white-that-should-be-just-white trail that eventually leads to Maine.

I love Maine, but I don't really fancy walking there from New York in the dead of winter.

I discovered something about myself on Sunday afternoon. I discovered that I can run three miles through forested mountains in order to get out of said forest while the sun is still up. And I can do this without food or water, because I felt really guilty that D. also had to run several miles through the forest, so I gave her my food and water.

Fair play to her though, she kept up with me nearly the whole way back to the car and I have promised her an expensive dinner to make up for it.

We got back to the car about ten minutes before it got dark out (like a couple minutes before 5.00 PM). Once we left Bear Mountain and returned to the land of cell phone service, I discovered I had 13 new text messages:

Mum (3.48 PM): "Where are you?"

Paul#2 (3.56 PM): "So you're ignoring me now?"

Mum (4.02 PM): "We're leaving at 5."

Lil Sis (4.07 PM): "Mich?"

Lil Sis (4.10 PM): "ANSWER YOUR PHONE"

Mum (4.18 PM): "Why aren't you answering your phone? Are you ok???"

[I presume would have had several missed phone calls, but since there's no service down in yon forest, those calls would have gone straight to voicemail.]

Lil Sis (4.29 PM): "dude where are you mom's flipping out"

Mum (4.35 PM): "I'm calling the police."

Lil Sis (4.38 PM): "seriously answer your phone she's actually calling the police"

Paul #2 (4.39 PM): " >:( "

M. (4.40 PM): "OMG where are you what's going on your mom called me to see if you're with me and then [LilSis] called and they're flipping out are you dead?!?!?!"

Lil Sis (4.44 PM): "now mom's getting mad she thinks you're doing this on purpose"


Mum (4.48 PM): "I guess that means you're bailing on [friend's] party. Nice of you to let me know."

Three Motrin, 1 mg of alprazolam, and 20 minutes later, I had Mum, Lil Sis, and M all calmed down (though Mum and Lil Sis were still angry that I was making them late to a party they didn't even want to go to in the first place). I called Paul #2 from the car and we ended up talking the whole ride to Friend's house (like 30 mins) and I told him how much this year has sucked (we hadn't spoken much since May), and towards the end of the convo I mentioned The Boy that I had been liking for some time.

(If you don't know who Paul #2 is, you can get up to speed by reading here, here, and here. The shorter version: basically the two of us were set up on a blind date several years ago and discovered we don't really like each other, but for some inexplicable reason are still drawn to one another's company, and occasionally touch each other because we both enjoy that sort of thing with no strings attached. As in no jealousy or anything remotely close to jealousy when one of us touches someone else.

Paul #2 is now jealous. He's never been jealous before.

I can't deal with this sort of thing, so I'm doing what I do best and pretending it doesn't exist.

Which is why I ended up drinking a full bottle of pinot grigio and half a bottle of Veuve Clicquot at the party, all on an empty stomach because absolutely everything our friends served had cheese in it. I think at one point I may have accidentally kicked one of the wienie dogs (the ones I babysit when our friends go away). Then I did what any responsible sh*tfaced adult would do and spent most of the party talking to the children.

I took one of the children home for a sleepover (she's 14; last time I saw her she was 5 and screaming her head off because she didn't want me to leave). We stayed up until 2 AM watching movies on Netflix. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or bad thing that she chose that over hanging out with Lil Sis and her college friends, who were going to another party.

Monday - Christmas Eve:
I had the day off work and planned to spend it baking. Then at around noon, our house received two phone calls that nearly tipped me over the edge.

First: M. called to ask if he and his Mom were still invited to Christmas dinner.
We had invited them months ago, but M. had said they'd rather have a quiet Christmas on their own (both of them are going through some serious issues that make my issues look like a pleasant massage). But I guess they changed their minds at the last minute. I was totally fine with this, as we had plenty of food to give them dinner.

But I had no presents for them.

Second: Big Sis #2 called to say she was NOT coming over early on Christmas day as she had planned, but was instead going to our father's.

This is still raising my blood pressure every time I think about it. I think it may actually have raised my blood pressure permanently to a steadily normal level instead of its usual dangerous low.

Y'all remember Thanksgiving? When Big Sis#2 was UNinvited to dinner?? She swore then that she would not under any circumstances be visiting with our father for Christmas (which I think she was right because Dad and Step-Mom treated her like garbage that day). And Big Sis#2 said she would come to spend the whole of Christmas with Mum, Lil Sis, and me--something we have been trying to get her to do for years.

So at the last possible moment, AFTER we had already picked up the 18 lb turkey from the farm, Big Sis#2 ditches us for Dad.

Even if I hadn't had to pause in my baking to get M and his mother gifts, I would have had to stop. I left the mince for the mince pies to cook in the crock pot, said FECK IT to all the other things I had planned to make, took some more xanax,

and went shopping.

On Christmas Eve.

While I was doing this, Mum was pacing up and down the house trying to decide how exactly to tell Big Sis# to go feck herself and not come over for Christmas at all. Lil Sis had already fled the scene with the child we had brought home from the party, and they went shopping as well. (They went to the GSP; even I'm not that crazy.)

My shopping was a success, but then when I got home I realized oh feck, if Big Sis#2 isn't coming to Christmas, we're not going to have the other desserts.

I had only made the mince pies.

And thus the greatest dessert of all time was birthed from Mich's brain:
You will need:
- one package Oreos (I used reduced fat)
- one 16 oz tub Cool Whip (also reduced fat)

To make it, I threw all the Oreos into the food processor until they were naught but crumbs. Then, in a decent-sized bowl, I layered a small layer of Cool Whip, then a layer of Oreo, then a layer of Cool Whip, etc. etc. until both the Oreos and Cool Whip were gone.

I forgot to take a photo of it after, but here I angled the leftovers so you can kind of see what it looked like:
with some cinnamon and ginger sprinkled on top
 Later that afternoon, M. called and said he had to work until about 4.00 on Christmas Day, and was it ok if he and his Mom came over after that. We decided to change Christmas dinner from 2.00 to 4.30 (for M and his Mom, NOT for BigSis#2), and then we called Big Sis#2 and told her and she decided to come for dinner after all.

Mum and I treated ourselves to dinner at Xaviar's that night. We felt we deserved it.
The venison was DELICIOUS.

Tuesday - Christmas Day:
Santa was very good to Mich this year:

Mum and I were sauced by noon. Mum spent the entire day playing with the new ipad we got her. I cooked everything but the stuffing (a pork & apricot stuffing, Mum's specialty). Between me, Big Sis#2, and our Jewish friends who always come for Christmas, we had nine desserts. I had a glorious time soaking the Christmas pudding in brandy and then setting it on fire in the middle of the dining room.

And of all the desserts--mince pies, Christmas pudding, fruit cake, Big Sis#2's mince bars, a chocolate cake, an apple pie, cranberry-pistachio biscotti, various cookies, and the 2-ingredient trifle--guess which one was destroyed the fastest?

In under 5 minutes. And everyone kept coming back for more. Even Mum, who doesn't even like desserts that much.

Then after dessert we played with M's Christmas present to us, which was by far our favourite thing ever: a roku.
We watched Mrs. Brown's Boys. Mum, M., and myself went through 4 bottles of wine, 3 bottles of champagne, and the rest of the apple pie.

And that is all I remember.

What about the rest of you? Regale me with tales of your holiday shenanigans!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012


The gorgeous Clytie nominated me for a blogger award! (The liebster award or something....) Thank ye m'lady. :)

The rules:
- when you are nominated, thank the person/people who nominated you in your next post. Include a link to their blog.
- in that post include 11 things about yourself.
- answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
- choose 11 bloggers to nominate.
- create 11 questions for them to answer.
- let them know you nominated them.

11 Things About Myself:
...I'm trying to think of weird facts I haven't disclosed previously...
1. something Pogo brought up in the last post--I don't like female vocalists, unless they're opera singers. I have an itty bitty handful of exceptions (like Hole, and the Cranberries, and the occasional Abba song when I'm drunk), but generally I can't stand listening to female singers. A male friend suggests that this is because I am a Pack Leader and no woman should be howling but me.

I suppose I can accept that explanation.

2. I have wanted to learn to joust since I was little. Unfortunately, most places will not teach women because it's hard to get armor to fit properly over boobs, which can be problematic if you're hit in the chest with a lance and the armor shifts. You can actually lose your head that way.

3. I love my boobs. They're the main thing keeping me afloat in the stormy sea of ED recovery and Christmas foods. Because with every extra calorie I consume, they get a little larger.

4. I recently finished writing an entire novel (albeit a children's novel) in two months. It's the longest book I've ever written (~68,000 words). The entire thing got started because I saw this photo of Munly at the top of my tumblr dashboard at 2.00 in the morning:

5. People are constantly telling me that I smell good. I never wear perfume, but instead a blend of oils (Nag Champa and Night Queen, which I purchase at Moondancer).

6. One of my favourite things to do ever is drive aimlessly. I take off early in the morning and just drive in one direction until I no longer recognize my surroundings, and then I purposely try to get lost so I can both find new interesting places and also find my way home without maps or GPS. At this point, I know almost every back road in a 200-mile radius. I can also get to Philadelphia and back without ever getting on a highway.
Because you never know when you might stumble across an abandoned castle in the middle of the woods of New Jersey.... 
7. My hair colourist probably knows more about my private life than anyone else.

8. Sometimes when no one else is home, I put Beethoven or Verdi or something similar on the huge stereo in the living room (with the surround sound) and blast it loud enough to shake the house. The neighbours have complained about this more than once.

9. Currently 9 out of my 10 fingers have wounds that refuse to heal, as a result of the combination of the dryness caused by central heating and my inability to stop picking at the cuts and cracks. My knuckles are all cracked as well. This is the second year in a row that the splits and cracks on my thumbs did not heal in the spring/summer, so I have now had open wound(s) on my thumbs for a straight 25 and a half months. Big Sis#2 has the same problem, except her hands look like they're coated in chalk. Because of this, we now refer to each other as The Leper (me) and Asbestos-Hands (BigSis2).
I'd post pictures but trust me no one wants to see that.

10. My Boss is dating an ex-porn star. Like legit.
She's friends with Jenna Jameson and everything.

11. I'm hungry. Someone make me a sandwich.

And Clytie's questions:
1. Most prized possession?
As a hoarder, this is a difficult question to answer...
If my house was on fire and I only had time to grab one thing (after grabbing the cats obviously, but I don't count them as possessions because technically I am their possession), I think it would be the Alethiometer.
Dunno why, I just love it...

2. Where do you see yourself in 3 months?
Idk? Hopefully not exactly where I am now, but I feel like that's the most likely.

3. In a year?
Hopefully on my way the f*ck out of New Jersey. Operation Move To Colorado is in the works...

4. Favorite article of clothing?
The Baroque gowns:

5. Biggest vice?
Smoking I guess.

6. Best day of your life?
I'm still waiting for that one to happen.

7. Worst day?
The day my cat died.

8. If you could choose how and when you die?
In battle, on a Friesian, with a sword.

9. What is the worst thing your illness has caused you to do?
Cut myself off from nearly all of my friends in favour of a hermetic life.

10. Favorite song?
There are sooooo many! I can't choose this on my own, so I shall consult itunes....
...There is a three-way tie for Most Played songs: my fav Queen song, WovenHand, and my absolute favourite piece of Classical music ever.

11. Biggest secret?
That will follow me to my grave.

So I'm supposed to nominate 11 people. To make this as fair as possible, I'm going with the last 11 commenters on this blog (skipping those who I know did this already, and skipping Suldog because I think he swore off surveys...):
and Pogo :P

Aaaaaaaaaaand now 11 questions for you gorgeous people:

1. Who's your favourite Batman villain?

2. Who is the rightful ruler of Westeros?

3. You're stuck in the booby-trapped home of the bad guy from The Collector, and locked in a room with your neighbour's annoying and kind of vicious dog, a bully from your grade school years, and a relative you really can't stand. You happen to stumble upon a way of escape, but there's only time to grab one of the others in the room to save them before the booby-trapped room kills the other two. Who do you save?

4. You're having a grand ol' time at a party when suddenly the zombie apocalypse strikes. Luckily, everyone at the party has awesome survival skills, and most of them brought food, water, weapons, and camping gear with them in their cars. If you leave with them now, you WILL survive the zombies and get to a safe place somewhere in the wilderness.
your family is still in your house, over an hour from where you are now, and much closer to the city (which is obviously filled with many more zombies than the suburbs or the country, where you are). And you have the family's only working vehicle.
What do you do? Stay with the other survivors, or risk everything to go back for your loved ones who may, in all likelihood, be overrun by zombies already?

5. What's your favourite bird?

6. Do you believe that dragons and unicorns once existed, sometime long, long ago?

7. Have you ever thought about robbing a bank? How would you do it?

8. Yay, you found a genie!
Make three wishes.

9. Do you have any strange phobias?

10. Under pain of torture and death, you must choose between spending twenty-four hours in a bathtub full of wolf spiders, or marrying into Honey Boo Boo's family and spending the rest of your life under house arrest in their home. What do you pick?

11. It's nighttime and you're leaving the mall to hurry to your car, which is parked in a dark and empty corner of a sketchy parking garage. A nerdy-looking man nearby is trying to load some heavy shopping bags into the trunk of his car, but he's having a very hard time of it because he has a big cast on one arm. He ends up dropping half of his stuff all over the ground.
Do you stop and help him?

I hope all of you are enjoying the holiday season! 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

ain't gonna listen to my own noise even though I love the sound

I was thinking about something the other day--Idk if it was like this for everyone else, but when I was in high school, your friends were your friends because you all listened to the same music. At least, in the beginning of high school. 

The group I hung out with was pretty big, made up of all the *freaks*, but because there were so many of us, we had like cliques within the clique: the kids with the giant JNCO pants who listened to "punk," the mopey super-goths who listened to a lot of Nine Inch Nails, the hippies who worshiped all things Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd, and then my group, which was kind of like an all-of-the-above mix plus the Holy Quadrangle we all bowed before (Slayer/Tool/Rob Zombie/Marilyn Manson) and a lot of firestarting/homemade explosives (we were simply dubbed the Metalheads). 

Music was our lives. There was a lot more life and soul in the music industry back then (late 1990's). You would hear Nirvana and Rob Zombie on the radio between Backstreet Boys songs. You'd see Marilyn Manson videos coming in at the top 3 on MTV's video request show (what was that called? Total Request Live?), which I thought was hilarious because this would come right after this. Now I can't even listen to the radio. I haven't listened to any radio station other than WQXR in like 2 years because they all make me want to gouge out my eardrums with a skewer.

I'm not even sure what kind of music most of my current friends listen to. We only ever seem to discuss music we have in common, like Queen (but then seriously how can you not like Queen??). As for everything else my friends listen to...... I'm not really that fond of their taste in music.

Not that I can talk because at this point:

Even if I don't like their music, I'm still fascinated by other people's tastes in music. Kind of the same way I'm fascinated by other people's houses, because none of their tastes are exactly like mine. Like I'm fascinated by the fact that people can actually listen to modern "jazz", or rap (I love Snoop Dogg as a person, but I do not love his music), neither of which I can listen to for more than 10 seconds without wanting to run screaming from the room. Lots of people feel the same way about my affinity for opera or country music (ACTUAL country music, not that shite they're peddling as country music these days).

I am oft accused of being a "music snob" because I make the distinction between modern jazz and the delicious jazz music of old. And because I absolutely adore classical music, and because I refuse to listen to popular radio stations. Sometimes that bothers me because I am not a music snob at all; I will listen to whatever you want to play for me. I LOVE getting music from people, because I am constantly looking for new music to enjoy. My BFF Jeanne sent me a load of mixed CD's in the post recently and I was SO EXCITED because most of it was artists I had never heard of before.

I'm not sure where I was going with this and I totally just lost my train of thought.


What about all of you? What music makes you feel high on life?

(...Once again I feel the need to apologize to commenters. In trying to catch up with my commenters' blogs, I have passed some of them by.
It doesn't mean I don't love you. It means I still can't read blogs that are triggering in the ED realm of things. I'm actually doing pretty ok in the ED-recovery department--mainly because at the moment I just don't give a sh*t--and I don't want to risk damaging my progress.

Friday, December 7, 2012

fo shizzle

Why can't I think of things like this. 

Go to Google, and search "do a barrel roll."

Friday, November 30, 2012

and rigor mortis to start that head cold

Mum was on the phone last night with her filthy rich friend and started talking about me because I was writing instead of dutifully watching Law & Order SVU. (and she also doesn't understand how I can write, eat dinner, and watch television at the same time so she likes to tell other people about my strange habits and thus have someone else to confirm that yes Mich is a bit strange and no, don't worry it isn't you Mummy).

My mother also has this odd habit of giving people completely inaccurate information about her children even when she knows the information is false. Like that time a few years ago when she said to Granny, "Mich wears white face paint instead of makeup."

No, Mumsy; I have not worn white face makeup since I was goth. Ten years ago. I am actually this pale.
...and have achieved my lifelong goal of having my skin the same colour as my hair.  
Or to her friends a year ago, "Mich was too hungover to cook Christmas dinner, so I had to do everything."

ummm what

NO, I was violently ill because I ate too much Italian food (I'm assuming that was the cause, which in fairness was my own fault because I know I can't eat that) and yet I STILL managed to drag myself off the living room floor and away from the Christmas Story marathon to disembowel the goose and use its innards for the stuffing. Mum peeled the potatoes before going back to bed.

Anyway I could go on and on and on about this, but I'm sure none of you want to hear it, so I'll get back to last night.

I feel like a whiny little brat complaining about this.


I have few accomplishments in life, and few skills and talents about which to brag. I do not have the epic brainpower of Big Sis#1 and Lil Bro #2. I do not have the supernatural musical abilities of Lil Bro #1. I do not have smart and talented children to show off to friends and family. I can write stuff fairly well. That's it.

Mum knows exactly how many books I've written because she has read them all, and she has bragged about it to others. But for some reason whilst talking to her rich friend, she decided to slice a few novels off the top.

"Mich has written 2 books."


I guess maybe she feels like she has no business bragging to rich friend because rich friend's daughter is the super-genius wonderchild who managed to get two bachelors degrees in 3 years?

Mich has written SEVEN books and one novella. 


That's 2 + 5.
( = 7.)

Yes, I know, I'm a whiny little brat. But I can't help that it bothers me. Like when Mum claims not to know that I hate cheese, or that I am left-handed. I will allow Dad these things because he has five children to remember and when you're the third daughter born before the first son, you should count yourself lucky you weren't left in a basket on the mountainside to die.

I was totally going somewhere with this post and veered way off into another direction.....

DEE has pneumonia. Shedding tears emoticon (Sad Emoticons) My ability to function has dropped by about 80%.

Monday, November 26, 2012

At least you have your health.

So I have a question for any of you lovely readers who are in the medical profession....

For the past several months, I have been manifesting some odd symptoms. Three in particular have become somewhat bothersome:

1. The Headache. I'm not sure when it started, but it occurred to me about 2 weeks ago that it does not stop. Some days it gets worse than usual, which it did when I was coughing violently for 2 weeks, and I realized then that I don't even notice the basic headache anymore because it never goes away. I think this one is probably stress, but that makes it no less annoying. It also could be because I never wear my glasses.


2. The Random Chest Pains. The first one occurred about six months ago--it's an extremely sharp pain in the very middle of my chest, which sometimes makes it hard to breathe properly. I thought maybe indigestion, but it happens both recently after eating, and when I haven't eaten in 2+ hours. It happens when I'm exerting myself and when I'm not exerting myself. I never know when it will strike, but it makes me nervous.

3. Morning Sickness. And NO, unless it is the Second Coming of the Messiah (or the antichrist) I am not pregnant. Every morning, about an hour to 90 minutes after I get up, I feel sick. Like about-to-vomit sick. (On 2 occasions I have actually vomited.) It does not make a difference whether I eat breakfast or not, neither does what I have for breakfast make a difference. EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING. It's starting to get obnoxious because it now takes me twice as long as usual to get ready for work or whatever. 

Is there something wrong with me? As y'all know by now, I am not inclined to go to the doctor, especially if I may have something serious. Also my health insurance will absolutely not cover anything more than a basic doctor visit (i.e., it will not cover blood tests, MRI's, etc etc), and I'll probably end up getting a bill for the doctor visit anyway because no doubt Whoreizon Blue Cross Blue Shield will claim that whatever it is, it's pre-existing. 

.....Also since the apocalypse is coming, I see no point in getting anything treated until after the world ends.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Lend me ten pounds, I'll buy you a drink.

A real post!! Sort of.... 
As always, I feel like a bad blogger. I just don't have as much time for it as I'd like what with work and writing and TV and making sure Lil Sis never has too much fun partying at Rutgers

Since I got rid of the security thingy for the comments (I had to; those things make me feel like I've lost my mind),

I've been getting a lot of spam comments. Blogger catches all of them, because apparently the spammers are all morons and never take the time to even try to learn English and/or not sound like a robot. Usually it's something like this:

"It's the best time to make some plans for the future and it is time to be happy. I've read this post and if I could I desire to suggest you few interesting things or suggestions. Maybe you could write next articles referring to this article. I desire to read even more things about it! Stop by my web site; engineering internship" 

and then a link to some website

Today brought my favourite one ever:

"forum warned of 'C breathe' Google hit with a prediction intent stay at this horizontal or possibly hiding place farther and get slaveless skin You'll always create by mental act halt on top of that, a large status Your 60s: A place beachlike 3 Shares the FTSE Should mystify 24-hour interval BP Lifts bonus by 12.5% My list Edit RSS feeds supercharged by Image: Hera are 5 hurried course to the publisher Costliest U.S. Catastrophes tip germane disasters can hit with teeny dissuasive. Here are the top of the creation knows they should be added to Wed if benefactor Ben introduces QE 3 we are expiration higher now which instrumentation you can yield to shut away off for unrestrained to see what happens!.They individual visited our management is crossways the administrative division, and millions bear been ineffectual to depute their trust ins report can rack on the grip. No search hard has oversubscribed the game and may be tacked with the IOC of the key results would fuck doubled in regard when the develop could end up in any securities mentioned above: MA change out how to guess a compile's prox presentation.
There is elfin other to business deal and benefit from your investing in open universities in Asian nation eruditeness programme manikin 275 KB (PDF) Association of Southeast Asian Nations holdfast quick Rules of Bursa Asian nation Rules sac Malaya database Requirements sac Asian nation erudition is now a days. They make out these conversations, my friends who forfeit his job. Sell: No so much recommendation.
Sponsored golf course: sheet Stats : 290 members
/ 1656 guests (24 hrs) Rambus, Inc."

Umm what

Their link is for some site that sells recommendations on penny stocks. Armed with that single piece of intelligible information, I will now translate what these people are trying to say:

Dear Potential Customer,

Google (also known as The Oracle) has predicted that if you remain in a horizontal position in an unspecified far away hiding spot, you will achieve your ultimate dream of getting Slaveless Skin. Unfortunately, your resulting high social status won't be much use to you because you will age 60 years overnight and all your brain functions will shut down.
I don't know why we're levitating; just go with it. And those are the slaves falling off, in case you couldn't tell. 
 Also say goodbye to your timeshared beach property, because the combined forces of the London Stock Exchange and BP are going to hypnotize you and convince you to hand over your now super-powered beach property to Hera, Queen of the Gods, who is going to sell said property in order to fund the self-publishing of her upcoming book--The Germane Guide to the Most Expensive Teeny Disasters in United States History.

On an unrelated note, God approves of Ben Bernanke's opinion on the US's next attempt at economic stimulation, even though this attempt will inevitably lead to the apocalypse. In fact, God visited our management office the other day, and the administrative offices, which are across the hall from management, to congratulate us on the millions of bears currently employed by our company. Even though we admit they are somewhat ineffectual at their jobs, every single one of those bears could crush your skull with their incredible grip.

[The following sentence is vulgar and I refuse to translate it.]

By using our products and services, the Elves have now assumed control over all of the Asian Nations. Their golf course is glorious.

I hope all of you in the US have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Mine should be interesting, as Stepmom has decided we're going out to eat (which is the holiday-heresy equivalent of burning down a church while wearing a Satan costume and having an orgy in the church's front garden) because apparently she doesn't feel like shopping/cooking/cleaning. And apparently she feels that Big Sis#2 and I are too incompetent to do it ourselves because there was no discussion of possible alternatives. Oh and also apparently Big Sis#2's incompetence merits Stepmom inviting her and then UNINVITING her to dinner, so now Big Sis#2 is not speaking to Dad or Stepmom and can you tell how totally awesome and exciting Thanksgiving is going to be this year because I sure can and let me tell you I am super stoked.