Friday, September 30, 2011

Oh, come on Donny, they were threatening castration! Are we gonna split hairs here? Am I wrong?

...Does anyone know what happened to Mona? Her blog--Shaking/Waking (formerly She Smiles With Me)--is gone again. :(

Earlier this week, Boss and I discussing one of the many child custody battles with which we're dealing:

Me: "Who's she married to, again?"

Boss: "Some Chinaman."

Me: ....... "Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please."

Boss: ......... "Fuck it, Dude, let's go bowling."

That was probably the highlight of my week.

Guess who's not sleeping again?


It started out awesome, with the acupuncture. And then it slowly stopped working. After like 2 and a half weeks, I began taking longer and longer to fall asleep, waking up more and more during the night, and then beginning last week (or maybe halfway through the week before? it's tough to keep track of time when you don't sleep that much) I stopped sleeping altogether. So I'm back on the diphenhydramine. And the occasional Jameson or Bailey's nightcap to make it work faster.

Oh yeah, and the nightmares. SCREW YOU, BRAIN. WHHHYYYYYYYYYY must you torment me with blood-&-gore fests?? Epic warfare in the middle of the Armageddon? Dream-bingeing?? And let's not even talk about the people who keep showing up in my dreams, night after mother-effing night. I'M GOING TO STAB MY SUBCONSCIOUS WITH AN ICE PICK.

Food-wise, this week has also been a disaster. To steal a phrase from a friend, I have fallen off the recovery wagon and been run over by it.

ED roadkill. I have not eaten in 4 days, save for the occasional cup-a-soup (50 cals),
which takes me 2+ hours to consume; and sips of protein shake when I feel faint. (I'd say 5 days of no eating, but I had a handful of pretzels on Monday afternoon [140 cals]). And I've been exercising off more than what I'm consuming. Ephedrine is a miracle-worker.


But my size 0 work trousers are fitting a bit more loosely, so at least I can take comfort in that. I nearly sliced open my brachial artery when I came back from the shore and discovered I had to wear the size 2's to be comfortable. (Express's editor trousers are more true to size than their jeans...)

In more positive news, I finally finished typing and proofreading the 1st major edit of the 3rd book in my pirate/adventure series. The fairy book is still crawling along at .00000000000001 kph, but I am determined to finish it before Christmas. 

Oh, yeah--Christmas. That scares the holy hell out of me this year. None of our relatives are coming out from abroad this year. And Cousin Lisa--who always used to do every family and holiday related thing with us at our house--is still stuck in Florida trying to sell her house. Big Sis#2 always ditches Mum and me for Dad. We can't go home to Ireland like we always used to because now that Granny is dead, there's no home to go to. 

Mum's idea to go away somewhere and pretend Christmas isn't happening is starting to appeal to me. But then again, if my Christmas Spirit dies, I'm not sure what that's going to do to my psyche. I just want a house full of people for Christmas. :( 
......anyone out there in the NY/NJ area? Want to come for Christmas??

I feel like I'm fading away. Like a light, getting dimmer and dimmer until it finally goes out. 

When life gets you down, play dress-up.


Monday, September 26, 2011

Where can a dead man go? A question with an answer only dead men know.

I don't understand why coughing fits seem to only occur at the most inappropriate moments. Like when you're in the middle of class, and everyone is silently paying attention to the teacher. Or when you're on the phone with a Judge. Or trying to hand your license and registration over to a state trooper. Or trying to work out at the gym.  

All of a sudden, it feels like something clamps down on your throat. You try to not cough, because you don't want to draw attention to yourself. But that only makes it worse, and you end up having an Epic Coughing Fit instead of just a normal one. 

Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I'm possessed. 

Yesterday, whilst getting ready for bed/getting my tea & vitties ready for the morn, I had a coughing fit in the middle of the kitchen. It came out of nowhere. 

The time between that first tickle at the back of the throat to full on holy-crap-I-can't-breathe coughing fit was like .000001 seconds. 

(The cats get freaked out by coughing fits. Almost as freaked out as they get from sneezes.)

I think I spent a sold two minutes flailing around the kitchen trying to cough and catch my breath. And after a while, I realized that it felt like there was actually something stuck in my throat. 

A solid something. And I hadn't eaten in several hours, so I felt a bit confused as to what it could be, to say the least. 

After much hacking that probably could have been heard by anyone within a half mile, I managed to hock up whatever it was, and get a good look at it. 

A feather. 

A pretty decent-sized feather. Like not one of those little down feathers that come out of pillows and comforters. A full-sized bird's feather. 

I shall add this to the list of Completely Inexplicable Things I'd Rather Forget. 


Don't have much else to report, I'm afraid. I'd say I feel fat, but we already know that. It's not going away. 

To catch up on some anonymous comments:

Anon#1 from the last post--yes, I do love my Latin Bible. I taught myself Latin using a combination of that, a Bible in English, and religious music from the Renaissance. 

Anon#2 from the last post: Thanks for the lovely comment! I DID write a book. It's not really writings like the blog, but it's fun nonetheless. :D You can read the beginning on my other site

Hydra: You are always welcome to post comments! <3 And I might consider a Part 2 of that animal behaviour post, as I thought of some other things after I wrote it...

Anon#1 from the animal post: Yes, the cat puffing up was actually one of the things I thought of after I posted. And I'm glad other people think of those things as well!! :)

Anon#! from the vampire post - hoped you liked Slipstream!

ArachneMort: You've got a point about HP. As much as I LOVE the Harry Potter series, I feel like it has caused a lot of books and authors to be unfairly compared to HP and Rowling. 

SpookysDarling: I think we should keep our dreams of writing our own vampire stories alive. I've actually just started work on one last week. One of the books I've been working on for AGES woke me up in the middle of the night and it was like BAM EPIPHANY!!! Now it's a vampire story. 

Hope I didn't miss anyone. Yell at me if I did!


Thursday, September 22, 2011

F**k your Mitsubishi, I've a harse outside.

I got a package in the mail today!! Fresh off the stud farm, Fireball is now making himself at home. 

He hit it off with the other lads right away. 

He thinks he's pretty hot stuff, Fireball does. There was some partying involved.

I think they drank too much. They made quite a ruckus, which did not impress Wigwam, their fearless herd-leader. 

He laid the smack down. Fireball was kind of pissed. 

Fireball questioned Wigwam's authority. But seeing as Wigwam has sired the most offspring, no one is in any place to question him. 

Here's Fireball, lookin' all fab. 

Ho hum. 

Monday, September 19, 2011

That rug really tied the room together, did it not? And this guy peed on it.

As of today, I am going to try and give up sugar. ...this should be interesting. 

My birthday is in 2 days, on Wednesday. I don't like birthdays, not really. I mean yeah it's nice getting cards and presents and a cake just for you, but it makes me feel awkward. I don't like people making a fuss over me. I feel like I'm not worth it. :/ I do love the family dinner party thing, too. I love parties in general, but not when I'm the centerpiece. 

(I was That Kid.)

I told Mum that my birthday dinner out should be my present (family birthday tradition: not only do you get the at-home family dinner of your favourite foods, you also get a dinner out at your favourite restaurant). Mum is taking me to one of my fav restaurants ever (Esty Street) and since I know it's expensive and we don't really have any money, I think that is a perfectly nice present and I don't need her to spend too much money on me. 

Mum was offended by this. 

So today at work I made a Birthday Present List with pictures, and gave it to her when I got home. (Mum's reactions are in purple):

For my birthday, I would like 

1.) A big horse
["Funny."] I can ride it into battle with

2.) An antique Colt Peacemaker.


3.) I would also like eternal winter.


4.) Stephanie March

wearing this:

["What happened to the magazine I gave you?"]

5.) Jeff Hardy
wearing nothing.


6.) This fabulous Christian Lacriox dress:
and Lacroix shoes to go with it.

["And wear the hell would you wear them?"]

7.) This first edition of Andreas Vesalius' De humani corporis fabrica libri septem. 

["It's HOW much?? For a bloody BOOK?!?"]

Seriously, it's only $375,000.00. Just throw it on the AmEx. 

Hope you're all having a good start to the week. I feel like a bloated sack of protoplasm since the shore trip, and eating rubbish all weekend. And eating too much today. I want to not eat tomorrow AT ALL. Really badly. And then eat nothing on Wednesday to prep for the birthday dinner. And eat nothing Thursday and Friday to make up for the birthday dinner. 

Idk how I'll do with food the next couple days, but will try my best not to go crazier, or collapse in public. 


Sunday, September 18, 2011

Aux contraire mon cher; he could eat the whole colony.

I unearthed a film from my childhood yesterday: Slipstream. Very strange, low-budget scifi that didn't make sense when I was 6 and does not make sense now. Do yourself a favour and go watch it. 

Idk... I've been on a Bill Paxton kick lately. Like BP circa the 1980's. I'm pretty sure this is Will's fault. And even if it's not, I'm going to say it is anyway.

.....This is kind of an abrupt change in subject, but I feel the need to complain about How Twilight Ruined Vampires for Everyone. 

I realize I might be in the minority with my hatred of the Twilight series, and of course everyone is entitled to like or dislike whatever they so choose without being judged for it, but I seriously effing the Twilight series. I read all 4 books--I FORCED myself to read all 4 books because I kept thinking to myself, "these books have sold like a bazillion copies; it has to get good at some point."


Book 1 had promise, but then it never really went anywhere. I didn't mind the 1st movie, but that was because they took the book and cut out everything that was unnecessary and condensed it into 2 hours. Book 2 was like reading the diary of the World's Most Hopelessly Besotted Crybaby. By the end of the book, I wanted Bella to DIE a horrible and painful death. Book 3..... I have like no memory of book 3 except for the fact that I thought it didn't have much of a plot. I tried watching the film to refresh my memory, but after 3 attempts of not being able to get through more than the first 20 minutes, I had to admit defeat.

But Book 4 was actually pretty good. It had all the things that the first 3 books lacked, and all the things that are necessary for a good vampire story--action, violence, some ACTUAL romance instead of just Bella whingeing for a solid 200+ pages, good guys vs. bad guys... I wasn't crazy about the bits told from Jacob's POV, but I liked that book in general. I'm pretty sure the author could have condensed the 1st 3 books into one book, therefore making it a pretty decent two-book series. 

But my Large Problem with the Twilight series is the vampires themselves. 

You can't have invincible vampires. You can't have invincible ANYTHING if they're also main characters of the story. It completely violates all the laws of nature. (Trust me on this.) And vampires that sparkle?!?? ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?? They're VAMPIRES for feck's sake. They cannot go out in the sun because they will DIE, not because they will glitter. 

And you know because of the Twilight series, now no one can do vampire books or movies and still be taken seriously. There was a time when the good vampire story actually had some value. Now? 


Now it gets compared to Twilight

Vampires used to be awesome, too. And we used to see a lot of vampires in movies, and in books. Dracula alone has spawned like 50+ movies. Vampire stories are among my favourites in the horror genre. I always dreamed of one day writing a good vampire book, and perhaps seeing it made into a film. Now that can never happen. 

So I think we should all have a few moments of quiet reflection to remember the vampires who have suffered because of Twilight. REAL vampires, who could not go out in daylight, who sometimes slept in coffins, who could fly or levitate, who were actually hot, and who were about 100 times more bad ass that Edward Cullen. 

We must never forget one of the original Great Vampire Movies:

Or the ridiculously awesome early vampire slayers:

There was the Stephen King-style homage to Nosferatu:

I even liked that anime vampire movie, and I'm not really that into anime:

And of course there were the Freaking Awesome Vampires:

Vampires, early 90's-style:

Super awesome vampires that actually EXPLODE in sunlight:

Possibly the most awesome vampires ever:

Cheesy, but still super fun vampires:

Super adorable vampires:

Super hot historically accurate vampires:

And let's not forget perhaps the most awesome, most classic vampire of all:

That movie was a work of art. 

Some of the new ones had promise, but they seem to get overlooked. Like Let Me In was AWESOME. And 30 Days of Night was pretty good, too. 

But no, you mention vampires and everyone is automatically like ooooooh Edward!!


Ok I'll shut up now. 

But bloody, violent, daylight-fearing vampires are still way more badass. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

A wizard is never late.

Anonymous, I'm flattered! Although to be honest, I'd rather be fighting in the war than having people starting the war over me. 
....and I don't think it's creepy unless you plan on physically stalking me out and attempting kidnap me, murder me, and/or leave my body in a cellar somewhere. That may end badly for you, because I am armed with knives at all times, and am only a few months away from renewing my gun permit. 

I like my second amendment rights. <3
I also like antique firearms. 

I had a funny thought recently. It sort of relates to my own personal moral code--basically I believe that if you are in doubt about what to do in a particular situation, you should look to the animal kingdom for guidance. Are animals doing it? If they are, chances are it's ok for you to do it, too. The exceptions to this (aside from obvious things like NOT killing and eating children that are not yours) are generally behaviors of all the animals that we consider to be on the same intellectual level as humans. 

By that I mean that one should not look to house cats, most primates, or dolphins when seeking out moral and/or ethical advice. 

So an example of why this is a good Life Philosophy: worried about whether or not it's ok to be gay? Gayness is in fact found pretty often in animals. It's mother nature's way of making sure the population stays under control. (Of course we've effed that up with artificial insemination and the like, but we're pretty good at effing mother nature up the rear in general....). 

Another example (and my fav): eating meat. You don't have to eat meat. But you totally can eat meat without feeling morally bankrupt. Yeah I know a lot of these big farms raise their livestock under appalling conditions, but if that really bothers you, go local. There are plenty of smaller family-run companies and local farms that have humanely-raised cows and chickens and whatnot. Or go hunting and catch your own. As long as the animal I'm eating had a pretty comfortable non-caged life out in the field before it was slaughtered for my dinner, I'm totally ok with eating meat. Evolution gave me pointy teeth and you better believe I'm going to use them. 

 But of course there's another side to my it's-ok-if-animals-do-it philosophy, which is what led to the funny thought. Imagine if humans did some of the things that are kind of common in the animal kingdom. Like did them regularly, rather than just doing them after going insane, or turning into a wife beater or a serial killer sexual sadist; and all these were completely normal and socially acceptable. 

Like imagine if women killed their gentleman friends right after an evening of hot sex. 

(like many insects)

Or just went around killing people and animals for the hell of it.  

(like house cats, and foxes)

Or building epic houses at night, then tearing them down in the morning and building a new one the next night. 

(like orb weavers)

Imagine if your new boyfriend gave you an abortion because the kid wasn't his.

(wild horses do that)

Or if you shed all your skin at once, rather than just shedding microscopic flakes of it. 

(like snakes)

Personally, I think the world would be quite a bit more interesting. 

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Enchantment has but one truth: I weep to have what I fear to lose.

Anonymous, who are you my sweet little angel? I love the ponies!

Other anons - thanks for the comments. <3 And to the anon who may have seen me in the supermarket, you may make a scene in public any time. :)

And a quick FYI - to any of you who bought Underwood or are planning to buy Underwood (AHEM), if you go my website, you can claim a free goodie bag!! I know it says U.S. only, but I will make an exception for Blogger friends. 

Well I'm home again! And so totally dreading work tomorrow. The beach holiday was both good and bad. Good in not working, sitting on the beach, taking photos of frigatebirds and pelicans; and bad in eating myself up to god knows how many pounds, and spending pretty much all 7 days in a state of emotional turmoil. At least I had the absinthe.
I drank half the bottle in 5 days. 
 My stress and depression levels are at a record-breaking high. Complete with near-constant chest pain, and a relapse of nearly ALL of my most self-destructive behaviors.

Speaking of which, I swear P#2 has radar that can pick up on my mood and my estrogen levels from up to 100 miles away. Yeah, I know I said I was so done with that scheisse, but I can admit it when I totally end up eating my words. ....along with other bodily fluids.

Or maybe :O would be more accurate for this evening's debauchery. We've already planned to be filthy whores again this coming weekend. I really need the male distraction, though, so Idk if this counts as destructive behavior....

Lordy this has become a very raunchy post! (..And Eloise18, I was finally able to use your gift. :D )

So have I missed anything exciting or ground breaking? I missed all of you terribly! I was actually having a lot of dreams with y'all in them. Kazehana and Jeanne, you made an appearance nearly every night. Internet access was limited, as my laptop could only pick up a really weak signal, if any at all. I'll be making the rounds on all your blogs this week to catch up with everyone. 

Until then, I shall be abusing myself. Thoroughly.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, that's all.

I'm sorry I've been a crappy blogger again! Time just slips away from me.... I'm going to try and catch up on all your blogs as best as I can, but our internet at home has been super sucky this week, and it doesn't seem to be getting better.

I'm off down the shore tomorrow! Boss gave me the whole week off; I can't wait. I don't know if I'll have internet at Friend's house, but hopefully I'll be able to post some fun shore stuff, and catch up with all my commenters. <3

I hope you're all having an amazing weekend!!