Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I hate you, Fat >:(

After my weekend binge, I got back up to 110 lbs from 108. I have eaten like NOTHING this week, and exercised like crazy, with the aid of some heavy duty painkillers, and yet the weight will not budge. I want to slit my wrists. (Down the road, not across the street.)

And to make matters worse, I have to go out for my friend's birthday dinner tomorrow at a Japanese restaurant. I don't know how I'm going to get away with not touching meat, rice, or noodles without people noticing, but I'll be damned if I'm going down without a fight.

Today I ate: 1 bowl cereal (140), coffee (10), dinner of broccoli in a little teriyaki (80), and half a beer (90) for a total of 320. Exercise burned about 575, so that's a daily total of -255.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Weekends are Evil.

As far as weight loss goes, this weekend SUCKED. I went out Friday night, intending to have a side salad or something similar at the pub, and just a few Amstel Lites. I ended up having half a hamburger, like 8 Amstels, and a bunch of shots of whiskey. So I went home and took 5 laxatives.

Saturday I ate nothing and exercised like a maniac, but then Saturday night came, and being delirious from overtiredness (I can't think of any other explanation), I went out and ate a TON of Pizza Hut. I took a bunch of laxatives again, but apparently not even the most extra-strength of laxatives are any match for Pizza Hut, so the purge failed.

On Sunday, I ran for 75 minutes straight, and then did a bunch of exercises on the Total Gym. Then my friends dragged me to Friendly's. When I got home, I discovered I was out of laxatives. I needed a triple dose of sleeping pills to get to sleep, as a result of the anxiety I am still feeling.

Today I ate: 1 larger than usual bowl of cereal, out of depression (160), 1 cup coffee (10).

But today is a NEW DAY and NEW WEEK, and I will not be beaten. For the next five days, I shall consume nothing but tea and broth, and perhaps the odd vegetable if I'm forced to go out (there's birthdays coming up, and my attendance will be required in restaurants).

Friday, March 26, 2010

Slowly, but surely.

Weighed in this morning at 108 lbs! I hate to count my chickens before they hatch, because I have to still be at 108 for the afternoon weigh-in before it's official, but I needed to brag.

My bff happened to catch me logging my dinner into my calorie diary last night, and gave me a long-winded lecture on how I really shouldn't be doing this to myself again. (Meanwhile, she abuses the Points Plan like it's her job and is a consistent binge-and-purger.) She insisted that I don't "look right" when I get down lower than 110, and that I look way better heavier, with curves, and boobs and hips.

Ok, so I'll be honest: sometimes when I'm a little "curvier," I really like the way I look. I have a natural hourglass, and so I get the whole Marilyn Monroe figure, and Marilyn was fabulous and perhaps the most gorgeous person who ever lived. And I do love food, so it's nice thinking I look good with the curves, and can eat pretty much whatever I want as long as I exercise regularly.

And then there's that voice in the back of my head that gets louder and louder as the number on the scale gets higher, the voice that says YOU ARE SO FREAKING FAT YOU SHOULD JUST DIE, and YOU SHOULDN'T BE EATING ANYTHING!!! That voice is stronger than the more pleasant one that says, go ahead and eat, you know you look hot with boobs and hips. But I have to listen to the super-skinny voice. I have to be a size 0. Or better yet, a 00.

So far today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal, with a bit scooped off the top of the measuring cup (120), coffee (10).

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I think my sister is trying to kill me.

For the second night in a row, I went downstairs to get a glass of water before bed, and my little sis is in the kitchen, surrounded by freshly-baked funfetti cupcakes and chocolate chip cookies. And she's putting that lovely creamy white lard-filled icing on the cupcakes. I had to hold my breath and floor it back it upstairs, and seal my bedroom with the damp towel across the bottom of the door once again.

Today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal (140), coffee (10), Jell-O mousse (60), dinner of fresh veg stir-fried in a little teriyaki (about 85), and like 3 mouthfuls of Diet Swiss Miss (15), for a total of 310. I burned about 400 with my exercising, so that leaves me with a daily total of -90. I rule.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Clarity of vision.

As of 2 days ago, I fit in my smallest size 0 jeans again!! The skinny Hydraulics - I've fit in the Express jeans for a couple of weeks, but they're cut a little bigger I think.

Even so, when I look in the mirror at all the nasty layers of fat on my tummy, arse, and thighs, and especially in my arms, I think that maybe the jeans are lying. I'm petite, so of course I fit in smaller sizes than most people. But that doesn't mean I'm anywhere near thin enough. Maybe when I get to 00, I'll feel thinner. :/

My sister is downstairs baking chocolate chip cookies. This is cruel and unusual punishment, as she knows I can't eat food. I have shut myself in my bedroom and sealed off the door with a damp towel.

Today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal (150), 1 cup coffee (10), Jell-O mousse (60), 2 cups yellow turnip (100), 1/2 serving of Diet Swiss Miss (about 15), for a total of 335. I did a 45 minute brisk walk with mumsy with several hills, so I think I burned like 200 calories. Daily total of 135.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

This morning, I woke up trying to take a bite out of my hand.

I had a dream that my friends and I were lining up at a fast food place, and they were all like "eat some burgers and fries!" and I tried to resist, and couldn't. When I jumped awake, my hand was in my mouth, and I was about to bite down.

Today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal (160), 1 cup coffee with half & half (10), 1 cup Jell-O mousse (60), 3/4 Lean Cuisine (135), and 1 Allagash White Ale beer (175), for a total of 535. I burned about 450 cals exercising, so that makes it a daily total of 85. Not bad!

Monday, March 22, 2010


Weighed in this morning at 109 lbs.!

It really sucks when you forget to pack some emergency food in your purse. I usually have a 90 calorie fiber/cereal bar, or one of those 100 calorie packs. It's a good thing to keep with you, just in case you're out and about and suddenly feel like you're going to black out. All you need is one bite, or one cracker, or whatever, and you're good to go.

Today, running late for work, I forgot to pack some emergency food. I deliberately don't bring money to work anymore, so even if I am tempted to go down to the cafeteria, I have no money to buy anything. So by 3.00 in the pm, I was getting a little weak and dizzy. Thank god for Sudafed.

Today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal (160), 1 cup coffee with half & half (10), 1 cup Jell-O Mousse (60), 3/4 Lean Cuisine dinner (approx. 140), for a total of 320 cals. 35 mins on the treadmill burned 397 cals, plus sit ups and arm exercises puts me around 450, which means I burned more calories than I ate for the day. Go me!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Nervosa wreck.

I don't think many people realize the level of anxiety that goes with this diet. If I slip up and eat something with a ton of calories--a handful of McDonald's French fries, for example--I'm a basket case for the next 48 hours, until I've made up for it (extra exercise, less food). I feel light-headed, my heart is racing, I get nasty headaches, and I'm so on edge that I tend to snap at everyone around me. I can't stop thinking about how fat and disgusting I am. I'm as greasy and nasty as those French fries. Revolting. I should just kill myself, because I'm such a huge fat pig that I'll never be thin enough. I'll always be this fat. Always this repulsive. I need to lose ten pounds immediately, or just jump off a tall building.

And what scares me most? More than the dark, more than terrorists, and way more even than dying; I am scared stiff of the scale in the bathroom.

So far today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal (160), 1 cup coffee with half & half (10). I didn't bring any fiber bars to work, therefore I cannot eat anything else until I get home.

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, March 12, 2010

We all make mistakes.

Every so often, when you're starving yourself to get thinner, you slip up. Even though you try with all of your strength to resist, you just have to take one little bite of that peanut butter Oreo. And then WHAM, all of your willpower crumbles. you end up eating half the packet of Oreos, and then half a tub of ice cream, and then you start shoveling cereal into your mouth straight out of the box before you realize, "Oh my God, I'm a huge disgusting PIG!"

This happens when you haven't eaten properly for a long time, and your body is screaming for nourishment. Once it gets some, I guess it just goes into overdrive, trying to force you to cram as many calories into your tummy as you possibly can, to make up for all the fat you've lost. My reaction to this is predictable: panic. And then usually an overdose of the emergency stash of fast-acting laxatives.

I almost lost it just now. The boss left me a packet of veggie chips, and so I had one chip. Then I had another one, and another and another until I finished the whole bag. I almost floored it down to the cafeteria to buy everything consumable, but I managed to stop myself. My heart is still slowing down.

So far today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal measured (160), 1 cup coffee with half & half (20), 1 bag veggie crisps (135).

Thursday, March 11, 2010

This is definitely an addiction.

I weighed myself this morning, practically convulsing in fear as I stepped onto the scale. 111 pounds! Still a heifer, but I'm getting there!! Short term goal: 100 pounds by April 1st. Longer term goal: 90 pounds by May 1st.

I used to think that once I got to my goal weight (a number which, funny enough, gets lower and lower as my weight gets lower), I could stop. I could eat more than I do now (less than a normal person, but still be kind of healthy), and maintain that goal weight.

Not a chance.

Once I see the number on the scale going down, I get a rush probably similar to the feeling a junkie gets from shooting heroin. The faster the number descends, the higher I get on my own starvation. If I can reach the "goal weight," I will get the ultimate high. I think that's why the goal weight keeps getting lower. Each high will be better than the last. And then when do I stop? 90 pounds? 80? 70? 0?

Today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal measured (160), 1 cup coffee with half & half (10), South Beach fiber bar (110), Lean Cuisine (290), 1 cup fat free Swiss Miss (20), for a total of 595. I burned about 375 cals working out, so that makes a daily total of 220.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I wasn't always like this. I used to be normal.

Up until the beginning of ninth grade, I was a twig. A kid's metabolism, I guess--I could eat and eat and eat whatever the heck I wanted, and I still looked malnourished. Then puberty started sneaking up on me when I turned twelve, and I gradually got rounder. By the beginning of high school, I was what you could probably call "chubby." I didn't notice right away, not until close to the end of the year when my grandmother made a comment to my mother that I was getting "a bit heavy."

I didn't really care right away. I had the most amazing rack ever (popping out of a C cup) and got lots of attention from boys, which makes all the difference when you're 14 and 15. Then, when we went to visit family over Christmas, my mother noticed that my cousin (who is the same age as I am) was a stick, which made me look like an elephant by comparison. Mommie dearest used to "diet" like I do, and she definitely didn't want a fattie for a daughter, so she started commenting on my weight. The commenting turned to her straight up telling me I was fat and needed to drop like 50 pounds.

So at age 15, for the first time ever, I weighed myself: 135 pounds. I tried eating less, but I couldn't resist all the snacks my idiot mother insisted on buying at the grocery store even though she said I shouldn't eat any of them. I was a teenager who hated sports, so I couldn't really exercise either. I tried jogging outside after school, but that got old real fast. By the time I hit 16, I figured that the only way for me to get thin was to stop eating altogether. Lo and behold, this diet worked.

And I became an addict.

Today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal measured (160), 1 cup coffee with half & half (25), 1 South Beach fiber bar (110), 3 Cadbury mini eggs (50), 1 Lean Cuisine (210), and 1 cup low-calorie Swiss Miss (25), for a Total of 580. I didn't exercise because my boss kept me at work really late, so this was definitely a Bad Day. I am a FAT PIG.

I think I'm going to faint.

This is the worst thing to try and fight. For whatever reason, on this particular day at around 10.45 in the morning, I started to get the Hunger Jitters. It starts as a general weakness in the arms and legs, and then spreads to the point where just getting up to go bring the mail in to my boss feels like I’m trying to run a ten-mile marathon. Then my hands start to feel shaky. There’s a hollowness in my lower chest spreading into my stomach, where I can actually feel how empty it is. My heart feels like it’s racing, and my breathing is uneven and getting faster. If I stand up at a normal speed—not even too fast—everything starts to turn black, and I can hear a rushing noise like waves in my ears.

It’s like Emily says in The Devil Wears Prada, about her new diet—basically she doesn’t eat anything, and whenever she feels like she’s about to faint, she just eats a cube of cheese. I do something similar: Diet Pepsi can help with the Hunger Jitters. It tricks your body into thinking it’s getting a sweet snack, but since there aren’t any actual calories in it, you’re not actually consuming anything.

Keep dreaming.

There's a funny side effect of starvation that they don't really tell you about in books, or in those Lifetime movies about troubled teens: not eating makes you have dreams about eating.

They start slowly. Last night, for example, as I was just getting into a deep sleep I had a dream that someone offered me a delicious chocolate mousse cake. They had a huge piece of it cut for me on a paper plate, and they took a chunk of it with a plastic fork and held it up to my mouth. I woke up trying to take a big bite out of thin air, and it hurt my teeth.

They get worse as my weight gets better. I think the most ridiculous one I ever had was last summer. I was on some beach resort that had a boardwalk lined with tons of really amazing restaurants. Since I was really hungry, I went down the boardwalk and stopped in each restaurant, and the staff brought me piles and piles of delicious foods: hamburgers, crab cakes, lobster ravioli, risotto, greasy fish & chips, baked potatoes swimming in butter, undercooked brownies.... you get the idea. So I stuffed my face in every single restaurant, and then at some point I thought, "OH MY GOD, I'VE JUST EATEN LIKE 10,000 CALORIES!!!" I panicked, kicked off my high heels, and sprinted off down the beach. I refused to stop running until I had burned off every last ounce of fat. I woke up covered in a cold sweat, and did not consume anything other than Diet Pepsi for 2 days.

So far today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal measured (160), 1 cup coffee with half & half (20).

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Am I psychotic?

I've always been the way I am, at least for as long as I can remember. My mummy remembers longer, and says I was strange even as a toddler. Antisocial and abnormal. She's used to it now, and I think that might be why she turns a blind eye to me not eating. She definitely knows what I'm doing, because she's done it herself and one of her sisters is 80 pounds with rapidly deteriorating kidneys.

The thing is, I really don't care if I'm a psycho, or if anyone thinks I am. I actually don't care about that much at all about anything, except for myself. I know I'm fantastic. And I really don't care about your feelings. I'll totally talk to you if you need a shoulder to cry on, but you're going to have to wait until Lost is over.

Today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal measured (160), 1 cup coffee with half & half (15), 1 South Beach fiber bar (110), 1 salad (260), for a Total of 545. With exercise, I burned off about 350, so that makes a daily total of 195.

Birds of a feather...

I've noticed that we ladies who totally do not have eating disorders and are just on mega-diets (ha!) tend to travel in pairs. And not just that, we tend to travel in pairs in which one girl is anorexic and the other bulimic. It's not even a proper friendship; it's a competition. I'm actually not sure I can be a real friend. Obsession with one's appearance tends to make you pretty much the most self-centered person ever. This makes it hard to be a good friend, and it makes it really hard to stay in a relationship with a boy because you're in love with yourself, and could never be fully in love with anyone else.

So far today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal measured (160), 1 cup coffee with half & half (15).

Monday, March 8, 2010

I totally pigged out this weekend.

Sunday was the biggest disaster. Good thing I had employed the use of heavy-duty laxatives to erase the damage I did on Friday and Saturday. I did, however, exercise for 90 minutes on both Saturday and Sunday, so that should make up for it a little bit...

I was trying not to go down this particular obsessive-compulsive path, but I think it's time to start up the diary again. I've done this before, and it seemed to work pretty well. I keep a daily diary of all the calories I consume, all the exercise I do and how many calories the treadmill says I burned, and I take note of my weight for the day. If I can see just how fat I am in writing, I can work that much harder to be thinner. It was through this method that I got down to 98 pounds last time, so I'll do it again and shoot for 90.

Today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal measured (160), 1 cup coffee with half & half (20), 1 South Beach fiber bar (110), 1 Lean Cuisine dinner (290) for a Total of 580. Exercised 40 mins and burned approximately 400 cals, which makes the daily total 180. Go me!

Saturday, March 6, 2010


I just love coming home to my mother and sisters
cooking fillet steaks, fried onions, and french fries. Then mommy hands me a glass of wine, and it all goes downhill from there. I ate a steak (extra-extra-rare), a large greasy pile of fried onions, a bunch of fries, had 3 glasses of wine, and then a bite of an ice cream sandwich.

Epic fail. I
cannot even bring myself to count those calories.

Friday, March 5, 2010


Water. Lots and lots of water. A big glass of warm water is the best. I chug it down as fast as I can, and lo and behold, I feel just a little too nauseous to really think about eating. Chugging water while eating works, too. I drink 2 big glasses of water with my Lean Cuisine--a few giant gulps of water between each tiny bite, and I stay full until bedtime. Sudafed is great, too. Kills my appetite.

So far today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal measured (150), 1 cup coffee with half & half (20).

Thursday, March 4, 2010

You know the diet's working when you can't go up a flight of stairs without blacking out.

Seriously, even with just a short flight of stairs, I need to take it slow. But I take that as a sign of progress.

And think stairs are difficult? Try going on the treadmill. I can only do half an hour now (power-walking, no more running), but I also take that as a sign of progress. As long as I burn off at least half of the calories I consume throughout the day, I can be confident that my diet is working.

Today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal measured (150), 1 cup coffee with half & half (20), 1 South Beach fiber bar (110), Lean Cuisine dinner (230); Total of 510. The treadmill told me I burned 266 cals, plus I did arm exercises and sit-ups. That rounds off rather nicely to a total of about 240 calories for the day.

5 days in, and I'm still an effing elephant.

I was going to try and hold off on the weigh-in until Sunday, to give my body a full 7 days to rid itself of Evil, but I was tempted by the scale. I still weigh 115 pounds.

So last night, my mother said she would take me out to dinner, since we both got stuck at work later than we would have liked. I love my mother, I really do (I still live with her, for God's sake), but it's too early in my diet to be going out to eat. Especially in a restaurant that serves all manner of deep fried deliciousness. I politely declined, as mommie dearest gets suspicious when we go out to eat and I order a turkey burger with a side salad, and eat maybe two bites of everything, and then strategically push the rest around my plate until it looks like I ate a lot more.

So far today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal, measured (150), 1 cup coffee with half & half (20)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Time is an evil thing.

The days are never as long and bleak as they are when you're on a serious diet. It's like those Weight Watchers commercials, with the little orange "Hungry" monster--Hungry is always following you, always tempting you. It gets to the point of torture at times. You can deal with being tired; just drink some caffeine, and solider on until you can finally get some rest. You can deal with fatigue or boredom easily enough. Hungry is different. It eats at you (pardon the pun), bothers you in every way that it can. It makes time stretch out for hundreds of miles, and all of that time is empty. That's the worst part: times stretches out further than you can imagine. Mostly I figure that it's better if I'm not awake for most of it, so I take sleeping pills at 9:00--around now--and am sound asleep by 9:30.

Today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal, measured (150 cals), 1 South Beach fiber bar (120), 1 cup skim milk (40), 1 Lean Cuisine dinner (240), for a Total of 550. Plus 40 mins of power-walking on the treadmill.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

This is a lot harder than people make it sound.

Day three back on my unhealthy-but-by-now-normal (since age 16) eating habits. Not going so well. The exercising is difficult, since the elliptical broke and the treadmill kills my knees. Word of advice: never EVER buy exercise equipment from Stamina. Everything they sell breaks in less than 6 months, and their customer service SUCKS.

So yesterday I pigged out at work. They have these delicious coffee cakes in the cafeteria, and they're only 250 calories, so I thought, "why not?" I had intended to punish myself by not eating the South Beach fiber bars and Special K bars that I brought to work. Epic fail. I think I consumed about 1200 calories by the end of the day.

Once you get locked into anorexia--that is, serious anorexia, not the wannabe kind--you're stuck in it forever. You will never eat normal again. At least, you will never have a healthy relationship with food again. Even if you don't mean to, you'll be counting calories, sizing up everything you put in your mouth. You could weigh 60 pounds and be one more ounce away from kidney failure, and you'll still look in the mirror and see fat.

So I figure, what the hell; I may as well give in and go all out, rather than fight it.

Starving is a battle, too, you know. Like REALLY starving. I suppose it has it's good points: I don't drink alcohol, because it's filled with calories; and I never smoke pot because it gives you the munchies (some people have the willpower to fight the munchies, but when you live on 500 cals a day and add marijuana to the equation, you will lose that fight; not eating is hard enough without adding substances that alter your mind). You spend every waking moment of every day STARVING. You're so hungry that "picky" is totally a thing of the past. You would eat anything. You want to eat everything, but you must fight it. You must be thin.

So far today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal (large bowl, 200 cals), 1 Special K bar (90), and some celery and carrot sticks with low fat Russian dressing (approx 150). Total of 440. That means I'm a fat disgusting pig, and can have 2 saltines for dinner.